I'm not sure how to begin a letter to someone who has so often made it clear they don't want to hear from me. Perhaps I should start by just acknowledging that this writing may be most unwelcome, and apologizing in advance if that's so. I don't know any other way to reach you, and I really wanted to reach you. I'm hoping that the time between may have helped to make it easier for you to hear from me.

It has been a very long time since I have seen you, or even heard anything at all about you and how you are. It does feel like we have entirely left each other's lives.

I miss you. I really do. You have a joy for living and a unique way of being that are so special, and so rare. I think about some of the things you did and I still laugh or smile about it. And I still remember how accepted and loved I felt by you. You are really a wonderful person and that is why I miss you from my life.

I think about you often and wonder if I will ever see you again. And I still, sometimes, imagine that we might someday be friends. Or at least on speaking terms. I hope for that.

I think I understand some things a little better now. It makes a lot of sense to me that you needed to protect yourself from my hurting you anymore. It must have been very painful to even be around me after I caused you so much trouble. I've realized that that may just be the way things have to stay.

I've also seen a bit more about me, not all of it good. In particular I see how sucked into my own little world I got when we were together, and how I couldn't accept that you were someone who wanted to, and could, help me live my life better. I still struggle with these things after other relationships have come and gone, showing me much more clearly that my own ambitions keep getting in the way of real union. I'm still not sure what the answer is to that.

I am realizing that it would only make sense to be in touch if it was something that you wanted, something that would be helpful to you. Not because I want it. So I hope that there might be a way in which I could be somehow good for you. Only you could know if there is.

I does hurt to remember what happened, and I wish there was some way to erase that hurt from you. But there isn't. I know that you are strong and I think that you have gotten over me, but I still regret not knowing myself better at the time. I don't feel very good about how I treated you, yet I can also understand why it happened. That was me at the time, but it isn't me anymore.

You were very generous in your love and trust for me, and I can still feel that today. So many good things have happened for me as a result of knowing you. I thank you once again for really showing up like that and being a hugely positive part of my life. I hope you have found the same because you deserve it a thousand-fold.

I have thought a lot about telling you something, because I'm not sure whether it would be a good or a bad thing for you. I think it might be very unfair to place on you now, or at least kind of irrelevant. But it seems important to me, and my heart tells me that it would probably be OK. I am really, really sorry if I am wrong about that.

You gave me such a lot including your love. I remember how strange it felt to hear you tell me that you loved me and say nothing at all in return. And that was because when you said it I kept thinking "what will this cost?", meaning what would I have to give up to be in love with you as deeply as I felt you would go. I was afraid of losing myself and all those things in my life by which I defined myself; that all seemed so important and threatened.

So I wanted to tell you that I loved you, then and still do now, even though so much has happened. And so it hurts a lot that you are gone, and I miss you. I can imagine many things that we might have been and done together, can see how a lot in both of us might have been healed, how much we might have grown. That was a whole lot to lose.

I hope that you will write back to me, even if it's only to tell me to go fuck myself. It would be nice to know you are alive. It's the eve of a new millennium. Maybe you will find that just once in a thousand years, you could possibly forgive some grievous wrongs, and take another risk by again trusting a little bit in someone who has hurt and betrayed you. I truly hope so.

It probably seems very strange but there's no one I'd rather be with when a thousand years goes by than you. I'll think of you in that moment wherever you are.

I Love You T, Farewell.

Dan