If you could only know what has happened since you left me you would be so disappointed in me. Remember before you got sick when we would spend weeks at your summer home in the woods? We would play cards and drink carbonated Diet White Grape juice and you were the only I knew who bought that stuff. I would tell you everything that happened to me at school and during my summer. You were my best friend. I wrote you letters when you were at home during the school year when there weren't so many vacations and I didn't get to see you. When you got sick I wrote you letters in the hospital and sent cards and teddy bears because you loved them. I hoped you'd get better.

But you died. When you were alive you called me your "Sunshine Girl" and you said that you'd always be proud of me. Were you proud that I got C's and D's on my report cards since you died? Were you proud that I quit everything I ever tried? Were you proud that I hated my family and wanted to join you? Were you proud that I quit believing in God?

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted to talk to you again. I used to lie in bed and pray every night that God would bring you back to life just for one more day so I could say goodbye. He never did and I never got to say goodbye.

I wonder sometimes if you are looking down from Heaven. I wonder if you cry because if what I have become. You always told me not to change for anyone, but I wasn't as strong as you, Grammie. I couldn't say no, Grammie. I'm sorry, I really am. It was too hard to escape that situation so I dove right in and got my heart broken. You always said it would hurt, but you never said it would hurt that badly. I wanted to run to you and have you hug me and tell me everything was OK and take me out for ice cream, but you weren't there.

Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself and what I can become. You wouldn't know me if you saw me, Grammie. My heart is black and cold. I'm not the smiling little girl in pigtails that you used to know. I'm grim and sober and I cry myself to sleep every night. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like I can't go on. I always wake up to another day. I wish someday I wouldn't wake up.

Everything you stood for and believed in and tried to pass on to me I lost somewhere down the road. I can't remember what you taught me or what you told me never to do. Everything blurs in oblivion. I can't even tell what day it is sometimes, Grammie. Did that ever happen to you? I have such a past and I am not young anymore. My soul is old.

I wish it was me that was taken away instead of you. At least you have something to offer the world. All I've ever done is hurt. I've lost my morals and innocence and I'm perverse and corrupted by the world. I've taken your "Sunshine Girl" and made her "Misery Girl." I never meant for that to happen. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm so confused. I wish you could tell me what is wrong and right like you used to.

I'm sorry I let you down,

Sunshine