I smelled your cologne last night. For the first time in half a year. For the first time I didn't smell it as it glistened upon your skin. I smelled it as it sank into my own. Spilling onto my fingertips, the smell quickly enveloped the room. It seemed to hang in the air. And I felt haunted. Confusion and hurt seemed to swell in my heart. I was unable to sleep. Unable to breathe. My chest felt tight and my eyes were frozen. Open. I felt ravaged. And still, I do not know why. You were never anything but wonderful. And while I try and escape you now, I find myself longing for you. Your smell. Your smell… that sickly smell which is soaking into the palm of my hand. The smell which was etched into my heart long before I ever knew it. Your smell. That fresh, crisp fragrance I once breathed in as though unable to get enough. I drank it in as I lay in your arms. Your smell, which makes my stomach churn as it hangs in the heavy air of my heart.

I remember when we fist met. I remember. I remember when we first touched. I remember the first time I looked into someone's eyes and felt as though I were truly looking into their soul. I remember you. The twinkle in your eyes, the smile easily brought to your lips. Your open, friendly air. I remember. And now it pains me today, when I cannot escape you, your smell, your voice, or your touch. Yet I haven't made contact with you in what seems a lifetime. I find myself longing for your touch. I will myself to open the bottle, which to me does not contain another manufactured perfume, but my life, up until now. The bottle, which quickly reminds me of the touch I long for. I do not conceive to touch you again. But I dream. I remember and I dream.

I loved the simple gestures. The way you touched my lips. The way you wrapped your arms around me. I suppose I loved you. People wonder how this can be. Assuming love is somehow achieved by time. It isn't, and they could never be more wrong. Love is measured by the individual, and how far they are willing to trust their heart. Love can be anything from a vague sense of longing, to the cry of an empty, drowning heart.

To this day, I love you. love without innocence, engraved in a sense of regret and sadness. You will never know what you meant to me. What you mean to me. You may find out about Alex and assume I lacked any real emotion. But I lay enveloped in the strongest emotion of them all. The strangest emotion of them all. Which is why it breaks my heart knowing I cannot, and will never, be with you. And I need you now…

Today I heard that you were single. And I wondered why I cared. But I did. After all this time, despite the distance, regret, time and all ensuing factors, I cared.

Today I am feeling particularly melancholy. I long for you.

Jason, I finally understand. I was never meant to be with you. I should never have been with you. by doing so I betrayed Alex, and the one thing I trusted, even though it took me this long to figure that out. That is why I felt haunted last night. With memories of you. Because maybe what I felt was love. Maybe what I feel is love. I don't doubt that. But perhaps I should have been more loyal to myself, and more loyal to Alex. Maybe I should have realised that what we had together was more than either of us dared to think. Perhaps, in the end, I should have been more loyal to you. I should have left you alone. Maybe you should have left me alone. Because now I feel like I am drowning, and I don't know how to stop. Everything changed with Alex after I was with you. in subtle ways, but I sensed it. And I went from being his 'strawberry princess' to being nothing. He shut me out and being with him went from being everything, to being nothing. All this time I lay in indecision between the two of you. And I never felt at peace, even after all this time. Because I knew, somewhere, that I was not meant for you. and while I may long for you, and dream of the day that I might somehow see you again, I regret some of my decisions. Because I should still be his princess.

Dear Alex.

I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry.

Leigh