Maybe I took too much. How many times have I taken to much. That is why I am writing this. I owe you something, call it an apology or maybe its just me taking more from you again.

I can remember back in March. I was so proud. I could get through anything then without even a scratch, nevermind a cut. I wish you could have known me then, I wish I could have known you then. The fact is though back then I wouldn't have given you the time of day.

It was June when I met you, you of all people. I know exactly why I chose you. You were talking, worrying about the fact that someone thought you broke a bed, in a hotel somewhere in Switzerland. You talked about it, I stopped listening, but you didn't give up. You went on and on about this bed and I thought you were so boring. I could talk to though and you didn't judge. You're great like that, you listen.

And that's all you were to me at first, a naïve, boring, little boy. You didn't judge me though, I could tell you I was bulimic and you wouldn't be sick (bad pun ok, I admit) at the thought unlike everyone else who I had to hide that, and everything else from.

Then we'd fight, or more like I'd fight and I'd call you anything under the sun. I'd spend all my time stripping you emotionally and that's all I was wanting to do. I was seeing how far I could push you. It changed though, overtime we fought after the first we months . I felt totally different about you. I would tell you not to stay if you didn't want to. Not to talk to me if you didn't want to. I will never understand why you didn't take that up. I was trying to let go of you then, I knew I was getting to close to you and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with us. All the time I was secretly hoping you would leave me, leave me then before it got to the point where I was solely dependent on you.

I tried not to go running to you every time anything went, I tried not to hurt you. Then it started getting worse. I started getting worse, I fell down so much. I didn't see it at the time, as it was more of a gradual process, I don't think you saw it either. It happened though.

You stopped being my shelter, you stopped being my innocent little boy that I could relay on. When I talked to you started making me feel worse. It wasn't your fault but you'd say these little things and I would feel like you didn't like me anymore. This paranoia started to circle me whenever you talked to me. If you talked about other girls I felt like you liked them more than me.

No matter how many times you would tell me you loved me I couldn't feel it. All I was wanting to do was break away. I was cutting myself by this time, I was trying to make everything feel better, I still had the bulimia. Sore throats started happening again, I didn't have the throat candy to overdose on now. I would take it out on you. I would get so angry at you at the mention of anything I did not like.

I cut myself more . Every time I cut myself I believed it made me stronger. Broke me further away from being dependent on anyone, especially you. It didn't work, it never will. I didn't realise it then but every time I slashed my arms to a bloody mess, every drop of blood that oozed out made me weaker and more dependent on you.

I am sorry for everything I've done to you. We laughed when my counsellor said you were bad for me, but its true. I feel like I can't relay on you anymore, I care about you to much, you're my weak spot now instead of that relief point I wanted.

The sky doesn't fall Richard, you were my sky. You still are my sky, you always will be. Its happened though, it was never meant to.

I'm sorry.

The sky has fallen.

Beckie