I cried for you last night. I was alone, watching a news magazine show.
They did a story about a little boy who had been hit by a car. He had
suffered 'severe head trauma'; I almost couldn't watch it. But, something
inside of me MADE me watch. They had a surgeon who helped the boy back to
health with a new procedure to 'alleviate brain pressure'. It made me
think of you, seeing your dancing, soulful brown eyes in the eyes of the
little boy whose family wept for him like we all did for you. I was only
twelve when you died. Eleven years later, and I still think of you every
single day. When I see my friends with their brothers sharing good times
and memories we never got to have; when I see our living brother's sadness
at the mere mention of your name. Your death shaped my life...
I remember your funeral and the almost one thousand people that filled the
church to say their last good-byes. I remember staring at the sky-light in
the church - crying - through most of the mass. I remember seeing the two
butterflies that danced around the flowers on your casket; and for the
first time in days...I smiled through tired tears. I thought in my young
mind,"I know that's you"...you, as a butterfly - a new you, and you had
found a friend...easily I am sure.
I missed you so badly. My ally was gone. You protected me, as the last of
five children, from my menacing but loving elder siblings. You protected
my ears from the harsh words exchanged between mom and dad in their worst
days. You showed me how to throw a football, how to play basketball and
how to laugh. What a spirit you had. All the pain you endured protecting
mom and yourself from angry hands; then just moving right along, letting it
'roll off your back', just like your favorite teacher always advised you to
do.
I spent, and spend, much of my time thinking how damn lucky I have been in
my life. I have escaped danger and tragedy by the skin of my teeth many a
time. I should know better. But in my more lucid moments, I know I could
go at any time. I mean those moments you know you will always remember:
holding your first nephew, smelling roses in my back yard, and even waking
up in the morning - I sometimes think,"Better make it a good one today, G."
I get angry still, too. When I see people driving like maniacs through
neighborhoods, see children riding their bikes in a haze down the middle of
the street. But it's not often I get angry, I know I had a life-changing
experience when you died. I think grief isn't about stages and overcoming
them. I think grief is about embracing the sadness of your loss every now
and then; it's not just the sadness either. I think about the fun times we
had, the memories of you face, your life...and now I can smile more than
cry (sometimes).
I often have seen more butterflies than most people since you death. I
always see them; in our yard, even on my car at a stop-light once; when I
am sad, when I am happy. I don't know if it's you, but even if it isn't I
still consider it a sign. A sign that things are renewed, revived, reborn
into something new and beautiful; I try to think of myself like that. I am
free and alive and have many choices ahead of me in my life. I look
forward to the opportunity of meeting every challenge that comes my way
with hope, faith and a good sense of humor. I wish you were still here to
see me as an adult - to have seen me graduate from college, and I wish we
could just sit down and have a Guinness together.
I still wonder why you had to die, every now and then. Then I think of all
the things that happened as a result of your death...and it becomes easier
to grasp. Mom and dad worked out to be better than ever, and all of us
became stronger, more appreciative of each other, and life in general. I
miss you Moosey, and I don't know who I would be if you had never been....
All my love,
Gretch
