I am not sure but I think you are a girl. Everyone tells you the momma always knows. Everyday you are growing inside of me. Your little heart, your little feet and hands. Your toes and fingers. All of you is growing, everyday you get stronger. I wonder who you would look like. Would you have my dark hair or his blond? Maybe my eyes, and round nose.

Who knows? I never will.

Who am I to play god here? Who am I to be taking your life? I wish I was the one and not you. I am so sorry baby -- god help me, I am so sorry. I never even gave you a chance. Being pregnant, knowing you created a life, and knowing you are taking it really questions what you believe, your morals and your spirituality. Your daddy and I were careful, neither one of us loved each other, we knew so we were protected. We are not even close to being ready for you, but somehow I have to wonder if I am doing the right thing.

I hope you feel no pain, and I hope you can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself. I just can't take the chance of hurting you later. I know I would not be a good mom to you right now -- god, I know I would love you, but love does not make a good mom. I love you already ... I don't even know you but I do love you.

I look down at my tummy, feeling my breasts grow larger, and those damn popsicles you are making me want, and I feel nothing but love for you. I am not even having you, and I know I will not ever forget you.

I find myself doing things now to try to take care of you while you are in me, and then I remember in 5 days I am aborting you. I am not even having you and already you have changed my life.

I once heard a saying that said "when you have a child, it is your heart with legs." Well baby you have my heart, and I hope you feel how much I do love you. But I have got to do this, not only for me and for your daddy, but for you. I can't bring you into this world not knowing where I am in it.

God I do hope you can forgive me. I hope I am doing the right thing -- because I know I will think about you everyday of the rest of my life.

Love your momma,

Renee