You'll never read this letter because I'm never going to send it or even print it out, but I have to write it. I have to write it as if you would be getting it the next day, because it's all going round in my head and I know you don't want to hear a single word about it from me, which I understand and respect. None of the following is meant in any way as an excuse or justification for what happened, but just an explanation.

J came to see me today and told me that you knew about what happened between me and N. In a lot of ways I am very glad she told you, because now it will stop. I felt guilty as hell after it happened the first time at TJ's, but couldn't bring myself to say anything to you. Part of me enjoyed it while at the same time I knew it was so very wrong. But at the same time, it seemed harmless. N has always been flirty around me (I know that's just her way) and I always liked her as a person. One time I was talking to her about me not having a girlfriend, and how much it bothered me, and she said that she felt really sorry for me and wished she could help because she liked me. She said that she would always be with you, but if she hadn't met you, that she would want to go out with me. This made me feel a bit uncomfortable at the time, but it was also an ego boost. You and I have discussed many times how it's natural to fancy other people to a point, so I wasn't too bothered when she said she fancied me. I admitted fancying her as well. Well you fancy Sophie, and so do I. That bit at least I think was excusable. I swear to you (not that my word will mean much to you any more, and believe me that's where it hurts - still, I know I deserve it) that nothing happened before TJ's.

We were dancing downstairs and somehow I kissed her. She said that she would be with you forever but she just wanted to know what it would be like. Then we came upstairs and that was it. A couple of days later she asked me if I was OK with what had happened. She said she had been having nightmares about me cracking and telling you. I said I was fine about it if she was because it hadn't meant anything. That's the point. I'm really not trying to excuse myself, and I won't lie to you again (I never did, but I suppose there is a fine line between lying to someone and not telling them stuff) but it really didn't mean anything. There was no sexual issue, there was no lust, there was certainly not even the slightest possibility of it going any further (from either side) and although it may seem hypocritical and treacherous, it seemed totally harmless. Just a bit of fun.

And that's how it stayed. She continued to flirt and I continued to flirt back. But it started to fuck my head up (and probably N's as well). I was having a real problem with the conflict between my friendship with you, and enjoying flirting with her. I just didn't have the willpower to stop it. So when we were at Harper's last week and she said that she wanted to have a chat because she sensed I needed to get stuff off my chest, I was glad. We had a talk about it and basically all that got sorted out was that it hadn't caused any harm, but it shouldn't happen again. We wanted to carry on being friends, and the fact that we lost control once shouldn't be a problem. Basically it was the path of least resistance. I justified it to myself by that very argument - it hadn't caused any harm.

Then the other night in Hastings I think we both just drank too much. I'd had about five Buds and she'd had quite a bit, and she was running round kissing all her friends as well... it didn't seem to be a problem. We were just dancing, and I was looking round at all the girls hoping to find one looking back at me, and the next thing I knew was kissing her again. Then the whole thing with Martin blew up and I threw myself into sorting that out rather than think about it. One of the worst mornings I can remember was Friday, when you were so pissed off about Martin - so was I, because I was supposed to be keeping an eye out for her - and I was sitting there knowing what had happened. But again, it didn't mean anything. Whether you believe me or not, whether you care or not, that's the truth. Standing back I can see how ridiculous it sounds, but I never meant to hurt either of you.

And I'm sorry like you wouldn't believe. It's the trust I will miss. I saw you for a bit tonight at Rog's house and just as J said, it was like it never happened. But I know I won't be trusted again like I was. Maybe that's for the best.

I want to continue being your friend, and I think I've learned my lesson. I am sorry.