Sometimes just when I think I have things all figured out something throws me for a curve. There are things about you that I just cannot get. Why you do persist on breaking my heart if you know how fragile it already is?

All I ever wanted was something simple and genuine. It seems like no matter what woman I am with she strays to another man or to areas in life that she knows will devastate me. I am far from a perfect person or even a truly moral person. This however does not separate the way I think from the way I feel. As you have seen I feel things very deeply, some would say I even wear my heart on my sleeve. The point is that as humans we have a natural avoidance mechanism against hurt, pain, angst. You have put me though some of the most painful moments of my entire life.

I have seen my heart ripped from its socket on more than one occasion. You act out using alcohol just as I do with pot and pills and every other fate I've tempted. You do things that are beyond my comprehension then blame it on the alcohol or on drunkenness. The part that I have the hardest part dealing with is that you do this of your own free will. When someone does something that is of their own free will, that hurts someone else, then they hurt by malicious choice.

There is something extremely special inside you. Its such a wonder to me at times, and it makes it even harder for me to accept many of the things you do. Your energy glows with such a magnificence it awes me. Your power is so strong and so immense that it dwarfs most people I've ever met. You are like a livewire in a body. Yet you take no interest in things that you cannot see, or touch or hear. I'm sure people felt the same way before we understood gravity, or magnetism or love. All unseen forces that play upon us. All things you cannot touch or see or hear. I don't want you to be me, but having me as a partner in your life means just that. I am part of your life. There are people I've met that I could just talk to about my hopes, my fears, my loves, my hates, anything and they would listen and be my sounding board for ideas and everything that makes me strive. You used to be one of those people. Now you tell me that I'm crazy, or stupid, you find things wrong with my statements, you try to prove them otherwise. You squash my seed before it can even take root, my flowers wilt before they can bloom.

I want so much from life. I know that its not realistic and that you do not share my worldview. Yet we cannot continue to be the force that holds the other back any longer. We must either choose to move forward together and never look back (or to the future for that matter) and start something meaningful. I've tried talking to you, sending you dreams, speaking to spirits, even asking friends. The point is that the only person who can truly do anything is you. I am an open book; I want to have no secrets. I want to have someone that will be with me on everything from life to death and will even know my motives. Not a bond full of deception, deceit, and destruction. You say that you cannot understand my poetry.....but this is the angst I feel. This is the frustration you read. This is my heart that breaks on paper, yet it does no justice to the heart that breaks in my soul. I am not a shallow pond, I am the deep ocean. If you are not willing to dive into me and be consumed, just as I have done to you then it will never be enough. I have tried to fill your void, but you have something that rivals outer space something not even the whole universe can fill. I wish you could get inside me if only for a moment and feel the love, feel the depth, feel this thing that has no name. The part that wants to become one. You will probably never understand me, or what I've said in these words. But this is how I truly feel.. these words are alive inside me.