You remember that time when you said that I scared you? That the fact that you couldn't ever really know what was going on in your own heart, let alone my heart, scared you to death? Well, I guess I'm scared of you, too. Scared of still loving someone who I don't get to have anymore. Scared of hurting someone who means more to me than I do.

We never really explained what was going to happen when we left for school. You were going to be living on the other side of the country from me, but we avoided the issue, just like we always did. We pretended that the problem wasn't there until the day before you left for Maryland. Then, all we could say was that we wouldn't break up, but we wouldn't stay together. Basically, we could date other people and we would see what would happen at Christmas break.

Well, it's almost Christmas break. What happens now? Do you come home and tell me that you met this beautiful, amazing woman and you're dating her, but you'd still like to be my friend? Or will you pull a sappy, "Sleepless in Seattle"-esque move and meet me at the train station, run up to me, gather me into your arms and declare your undying love?

What's going to happen? And how can I have even PART of a clue when you don't know how to communicate? How are we supposed to act?

I don't want you to tell me that you've met someone else. I think that would feel a lot like driving a stake through my heart. But I'm also a hypocrite. A BIG hypocrite.

How do I explain to you what happened between Mike and I? We didn't technically DO anything, except cuddle for a long time and kiss once, but that's something. And I didn't do anything wrong, because I'm ALLOWED to date other people, but ... when we said "other people," I think we both meant people that we didn't both know, let alone a person who you could have been good friends with, under different circumstances.

Is there something there, something more than a fling? Yes. But I'm not doing anything about it, although you are not the only reason for that either. But, under different circumstances ... Mike and I could be what you and I were.

This doesn't mean that I don't love you. Maybe it means that I don't WANT to. Every day, day after day, you're still in my head and you won't go away. You won't just let me passively fall out of love with you and remain your friend. You keep on popping into my head and reminding me why I love you.

I hate this, I hate who I am being right now. I really hate not knowing why I do what I do or feel what I feel. Most of all, I hate not knowing if the person meeting me in our old home town is still in love with me.

I guess I'll find out, right? After two weeks and a few finals have passed by, I'll find out.

Do I want to know?

I love you,