Do you remember what you promised me on the last day of school? You promised me that you'd never say goodbye. Well, guess what? You didn't need to say it. Your silence was enough.

Over the two short years that I've known you, I thought we were close. I really liked you for almost the entire time. And I think you knew that too. I think you knew that you were the reason that I did a lot of things I never would have done before. I wouldn't have put myself through the shame of playing in the chorus for three school plays and taking a crappy part for the fourth one if it weren't for that fact that you were in them. I would have stayed with the professional stuff I did. I wouldn't have tried to change myself from the happy little kid into the sophisticated young woman if I hadn't met you. I never finished changing, Nick. I gave up and now I'm caught halfway in between two worlds. You were helping me grow up for a while, and then you let me fall. I never picked myself back up.

Do you remember when Bekki asked you to ask me to the dance? You did, but then you didn't show up because you were sick. At our mandatory final rehearsal for our christmas play (which was the next day), you asked me if I was mad at you. And I said no. No. That was the biggest lie that I told you. I was mad. I was mad at you for hurting me. I was mad at myself for ever letting myself like you. And I was mad at god for letting this happen to me. So you turned around, relieved and I went outside to cry. Even though I had all of my makeup on, I cried.

And you never noticed.

I think that knowing you was probably the most stressful time of my life. Even though you never liked me back as more than a friend, I still did everything to please you. If I put on a tight shirt, it was so that you would notice me. If I made a big deal over something while you were around, it was so that you would pay attention to me. I was never allergic to bee stings. But you played the role of the protector because you believed my childish lies.

I remember the China trip. I remember that night that Anthony and Gavin were fighting over Vanessa. You and Anthony came down to my room at 12:00 am. While Anthony was asleep on my bed, I remember how you, Toni and I played truth or dare. Remember that question about who you'd like to go out with if you ever broke up with Jenny? We gave you six choices, five of them good. The sixth choice was me. And you told me to leave the room because you didn't want me to hear you. So I went into the bathroom. But I still heard you say that you'd go out with me. Why didn't you? Did you know that I could hear every word? Did you want to hurt me?

I keep thinking back to the final night of "A Handful of Stars". It's just like me, isn't it, to obsess over stupid things which don't matter anymore. I remember how you yelled at me for being negative about my part. You yelled at me during intermission, right before I had to go onstage for my solo and pretend that everything was all perfect. Have you ever had to deal with portraying a slut on stage? That goes against every moral bone in my body. No one in that cast ever let me forget who I played. You told me that I was "so fucking negative" and that I should "stop bitching about everything" and a lot of other horrible things which I can't repeat. When I got home from the show that night, I cried, but you knew that. Kyle called you and told you that. What you don't know is that I went home and took too many sleeping pills. I was upset the next morning because they didn't work, not because of what had happened between us. I wanted to die so badly. Do you remember that I didn't talk to you for four days? Those were also the worst four days of knowing you for me. Finally I broke down and called you. I apologized, even though you were the one who should've. You asked me whether or not I really remembered what we were fighting about. Again, I lied. I said no. Of course I remembered. I still remember to this day.

We always did fight a lot. And didn't it always seem as though it was all my fault? I'd pick fights with you over the stupidest things, because I thought that being mad at you might make you change your mind. I thought that if you could understand something little, we might work up to our big problems. We might learn to love each other.

You sure were inconsistent. One day you'd talk to me forever and I'd think we were making progress. The next day you wouldn't look at me. How do you think that made me feel? Well, it wasn't good, I can tell you that.

I don't think I've ever gotten over you. I've tried everything. I've gone out with other guys, guys that really loved me. I've went to a psychiatrist, because I tried to kill myself over you. You certainly have changed me. I hope that you meet this new girl. You won't recognize her, but you will see a part of yourself in her, because she gave herself up for you. That spark of light that you used to see in me is gone. You took it with you when you left for Oregon. It's probably in the eyes of another girl. A pretty, blue-eyed, blonde thin girl. But I don't mind. I have my identity back. I'm that red haired, blue eyed girl who can finally live without you. Thanks for creating me.

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

Love,