I wish I could tell you what happened the night after you told me what had been going on. I wish I could, but it would hurt you. Not as much as you hurt me.

I felt like when we started calling ourselves a couple that everything would be okay. I wouldn't have to worry. You would be there for me when I needed a friend, or when I needed someone to love me. I felt like I was wanted, and maybe that is why things turned out the way they did.

One of the first times we talked as lovers you told me that YOU WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNEW YOU LOVED ME. Did you forget that part? I guess so, because it didn't turn out that way.

The part I regret is that I loved you. At that point in my life, you were almost everything I had. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me. So much, so much. I think I was half of what you were to me. I would come home every day checking the machine to see if you had called. Checking, waiting, checking. You kept me waiting.

Now I know why. I feel so stupid because I had no idea what was going on. I'll admit, I was naive, but not THAT naive. And you couldn't even tell me yourself. Not until I asked. Not until I said "why don't we talk anymore? Why don't you talk to me? Why am I doing all of the talking?"

You cheated on me. You told me "sorry, I have to get off the phone" and went and told Sarah you loved HER. Well what about ME?

The night I finally got you to tell me, it broke me apart. I almost killed myself over YOU. The boy that didn't care enough for me to tell me he loved someone else. But I can't tell you about it. You've already apologized but it wasn't enough to fill up the hole you left inside me.

It took me a year to get past what had happened. A year of my life was wasted thinking of and remembering you. Now I've finally learned how to fill the hole; its filled with experience and love. I hope that someday you will find that love for yourself.

xx