When am I going to stop calling after you, Joseph, hmm? Do you feel a
tingle even when I say your name like this, across time and space and
the borders of the real? I just have to let go of the need for real
resolution, for closure, for knowledge.
I dunno what I'm gonna do with this... Ok so I went blank. Basically
all the stuff I had saved I've written or we've said online... I put
it all in a zip-folder and plan to abandon the folder somewhere in the
middle of the nature preserve and I'm leaving this place... For good.
Though I might stay in Binghamton, not in the university, as I'm starting
over, as I've screwed up too much.
And I'm saying goodbye to everything and though it's so sad I can accept
it and see it as growth, as a choice, even. And I'm done being
pathetic over this. I always just pulled myself back from the ledge
when it really counted, when I had to survive. It feels good leaving
you where you left me, in a way. All the stuff I handwrote you after,
you'll never know... I'm not trying to reflect that now... Of course I
can't send you this, it'd completely throw back all my progress and
all--
I still want you like mad, but it's like I can separate the rest of me
from that a little... Just a little... That helps. Love is a lot
easier to live with than mad desire for something, or someone...
Especially since *something*, you can work towards getting, most of
the time. I've mind-sent you things at odds with this... If some part
of you knows, it knows. That's all I'll say. I know how you can
suspend your deeper self and just write anything in e-mail, though I
usually don't...
I just can't get past it, how you said goodbye. I guess I want things
to be my way too much, but all the times I've agreed and been able to
say goodbye back, my way, you were like, don't say that, don't be like
that, can't we just freeze all this and not go that far. But I remember how it eventually was and all the stuff you said, at
odds with it, just, sours. I feel all bitter then. I think it's the
feeling of past trust souring in my mouth.
It's all so sad and pointless and out of my control now. I'm close to
being at peace though... I'm confident you did know exactly how I felt
and somehow that's comforting to me. You made your choice and well,
okay. I think I respect that. You did it knowing how much I loved you,
needed you, wanted you. Still do. Love you.
I always end up sunny side up, having learned something, perhaps...
Deluded? Maybe :) But at least, all in one piece, sort of... You'll
always be with me... May your god bless you love... Walk in the
light... of love, always.........
May all my curses and recriminations lift.......I no longer give them
any power over me. It's so much more joyful and right to bestow my
blessing upon someone... I think love does give you power. I don't
know why that seems true to me, exactly, but.......If I'm at all magic.......
Love, Irina---*}
