At first I wanted to tell you this to your face, but on second thought I realized that you have too much pride to actually pay any attention to it in person. Maybe if it's in a letter you'll get the point, even if I don't have the pleasure of seeing your reaction.

I have no doubt you are tired of letters, tired of talking, tired in fact of me. I am tired of you. In fact, if you want to know, I don't like you. Once I loved you as much as any person can be loved. Then my love faded away until there was only my sexual attraction to you left. Now that is pretty much gone as well.

I think if I disappeared off the face of the planet tomorrow, you wouldn't care much. It's okay, I don't mind anymore. Once I would have cried myself crazy just thinking about the possibility that you don't care about me. Now I don't mind - fuck it, I have a life to live. Oh I know you say you care. I am very familiar with all your kind beautiful words, how much you love me, how important I am to you. At first, I couldn't understand why, if you loved me so much, you got so much pleasure out of seeing me hurt. I tried for a long time to figure it out: Hmm, she calls me every day, but doesn't ever want to see me. She tells me she loves me, but she puts me down all the time. Couldn't figure it out, but now of course I realize it was just because you are a liar. You have miserable self esteem and the only thing that made you feel the slightest bit worthwhile was seeing how I would come running back to you, no matter what you did. I really think you enjoyed looking into my face and seeing how you crushed me inside. So all that "I love you" bullshit - well you just said whatever you had to say, to convince me to stick around, so you could abuse me some more. You are a lying manipulative bitch.

It isn't only your fault, I mean I helped you do this. I should have understood the first time you ever betrayed me what kind of person you were, but I had some kind of weird masochistic thing going on...I let you treat me like used garbage because it was a situation I felt comfortable with, I was used to it...I let you walk all over me and for that reason I am also to blame. I continued to try to make up with you - after you slammed me to the ground again and again, I came crawling back for more like the pathetic loser I was. I am no longer that person. I face every day wiser and happier for survived the hell that was your friendship. I let you know, once, you disappointed me. And twice. And three times. Over and over. Fuck you, I'm done with that shit.

Every time I hang up after talking to you, I feel sick. You are shallow, superficial, and boring. I literally have nothing to say to you. It's too bad you are so brainless, because you don't even have a big heart to make up for it. You do and say whatever you need to do at the moment, to make people like you, and the next day you can destroy their feelings because you don't care about anyone or anything except yourself. The general word for this kind of person is "whore." You might think you feel love toward certain people, but you are mistaken: these are feelings I don't believe you would recognize. You like people for what they can do for you, and not for themselves. Remember I have known you very well for many years, I think I am qualified to judge on this issue. Nobody else could go through boyfriends like toilet paper, now could they? Nobody else would treat such a good loyal friend the way you did me.

You may ask yourself why I am writing this? If I really don't care about you anymore, as I say, why don't I just leave you alone and c'est la vie? Well, the real reason I am writing this is because I want to hurt you. After all, you hurt me so much. Yes, you made my life a living hell, to tell you the truth. Every last scar on my body left from cuts I inflicted have your name written on them. I would LOVE to just beat the living shit out of you but I won't and can't do that, of course. So the best I can do is leave you with absolutely no doubt as to how I feel about you. I hate you, and it is a hate born from knowing you so well. I don't hate some imaginary image I have of you. I hate YOU, the real you and every shitty thing that you stand for. I hate the shallow, backstabbing, selfish little slut that you are.

If you've read this far, I congratulate you. You now see how you have managed to influence one person in the world. You took the greatest friend you ever might have had - someone who loved you sincerely, and deeply - and made them hate you. And you did it simply by being yourself.

I am lucky because I have good friends who are helping me heal. They want me to be happy, and they are relieved to see you thrown out of my life. Within a year, I promise you, I will barely remember who you are. However, I hope that for you, my memory will live in you for a long, long time. I hope my face is burned into your mind. I hope you can never be whole again, knowing that you betrayed, you hurt, you lied and you lost. You lost me, and I pity you for it.

You are pitiful.

Hodya