I've just gotten home from leaving your house tonight. A million things
are running thru my head. The number one thing, can you guess? That
would be it! I've just lost my virginity to you. I've given you
something I can no longer give to anybody else. There are so many
drawbacks to what just happened. I've always heard that this brings two
people in a relationship closer, but I feel further and more distant
from you than ever. I suppose that could have something to do with the
fact that I'm not in love with you. We've only known each other/been
dating for 2 1/2 months now. The only thing I know is that you were a
virgin up until tonight also. I've held out for almost 21 years at the
end of this month without even being extremely tempted to sleep with
anybody, then you come along at a time in my life when I'm extremely
lonely and all that holding out is over. I don't blame you for what
happened. I don't blame you for the way that I'm feeling. I feel like
crap about now.
First just because I've disappointed myself, I really
wanted to hold out for somebody I was in love with. Sex is not sex to
me. It an expression of feelings that is stronger than words. It's not
something that should be done just because we're horny. But I just went
against my personal belief.
Secondly because I made a conscience
decision to go thru with it. I mean I've heard of people who it was an
"accident" or it "just happened", but I know I had a choice in the
matter and I choose to have you inside of me. Third I made you feel
horrible like you did something wrong. You did absolutely nothing
wrong! It was my fault. I wanted you just as much as you wanted me.
But I immediately regretted that decision and started to cry,
uncontrollably. I was just starting to wake up and realize what I was
allowing to go on. Although I said that I don't regret what happened, I
kind of do. I mean who knows if we will even be together next month and
I just pawned off my virginity like it didn't mean anything. I'm
extremely angry with myself at this point and because of that, I'm
almost taking it out on you. And I have to say I'm sorry, but I don't
know what else to do. I feel so distant from you, and I'm afraid that
distance will just separate us completely. I don't know what I want
now. I don't know if I'm falling in love with you and I have to see you
all the time, or I don't know if I hate you and never want to see you
again. I just need to get all my emotions out now.
Thanks for paying the slight bit attention:
Tammy
