You would think by the way I feel right now that you were about to drop off the face of the earth. When I think about how things will be when you finally do leave, this wave of pain pulsates through my chest. Sometimes it travels down my arms and into my fingertips paralyzing me momentarily. And then the tears come; freely when I'm alone, quickly hidden in the presence of others. I couldn't tell you how I really feel. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. It's so complex the way minds work. I don't believe you feel the same way I do, or that you could even understand.

It takes something or someone amazing to pull me out of my own reverie. You are that amazing someone. I've tried to express this to you in subtle ways, but you turn my compliments down. You're so good at making me feel genuinely talented and smart. All the times you complimented me or reassured me that I would go on to do great things meant so much. I've been desperately trying to show you how equally in awe I am of you. Your artistic talent and creativity are just the tip of the iceberg. The thing that interests me most about you is the way you think. Your constant curiosity in the unknown and the related, and your eagerness to try new things is so admirable. I wish I had your confidence and affinity for change. You adjust so well. I mean it when I say you mastered the skills you have acquired in the time we worked together. When you say, "Kristin, you don't have to say that" I just want to hammer it into your head and make you accept it.

All of that wouldn't have been half as hard for me to flat out tell you than the rest of this mess. If you only knew about the countless pages I wrote in my journal trying to figure out where the other feelings were coming from.... It was always the little things I took notice of, like the way you hum when you work, the way you tip your head back slightly and lower your voice when you're teasing, your quick sarcasm followed by a delayed smile.... I love all of those things and they touch something inside me that isn't often reached. It has been a confusing time because of this. You've gotten so deep inside my head that I forget I don't know you all that well.

I didn't really react when you told me you would be leaving. I knew it was inevitable and I didn't want to blow my precious cover. I meant to say, "I'm really going to miss you." Instead I said something stupid and impersonal. I don't understand you enough to know how you would feel about the real truth. I've never met anyone else like you, and I can't imagine I ever will. You captured part of my heart without even knowing it. It's the most amazing feeling. I'm not ready to let it go. So I won't tell you a thing. We'll say goodbye and go our separate ways. Maybe someday you'll find this and understand.

Love,

Kristin