Do you know how it feels to be outside? Do you know how the agony rips you apart because you know in your heart you want to be there, inside, with them? I know. You probably don't. You're inside-I'm not. I wrote this a couple days ago; after the winter dance. I cried and my tears mingled with the emotions on my paper. I want you to read. Maybe you'll understand how I feel...

Amongst the throng of moving, living, breathing bodies I feel so isolated, alone. Friends waltz by, a smile on their face. Friends waltz by, but the smile isn't mine. Each of them is looking so intently into the soul of their partner. Often trading partners, claiming they're all the same. It's all the same. I'm not like them, so I won't be asked to dance. And if I can't dance then why should I stay?

As I walk off the dance floor into the rainy night, a cold wind follows, pushing me away. The wind howls in my ear and I hear all the sneers of the beautiful dancers with ugly mouths. My intention was never to insult them, but they all said I was too good for them. I'm not like them. I never said I don't like them.

Now I sit in a bus stop, on a bench that's so hard. I thought I knew these people in the flimsy shelter, but apparently they don't know me. I'm the stranger from the dance floor uptown. But baby, now I'm downtown and I have to fend for myself once again. It's hard to know who's on my side because I don't know who's by my side.

I tap my foot and wait for the bus to come. I wait for a week in the cold, relentless rain. I'm sitting all alone because I scared them all away. Even the reflection of my soul personified sitting by my side can't persuade me to stay. There's headlights approaching in the fog, get on the bus, get on the bus.

There's headlights approaching in the fog, but my feet are faster than their telephone call to tell me I've won the consolation prize. I don't want their stupid bag of tricks. I don't need their chocolate cake and empty calories. I'm so apathetic that I don't even mind leaving the company of the boy who has stolen my heart and promised to revive my love for life.

I walk away from the crowded bus stop so full of empty people. I close my eyes and dream myself away. I'm the only star in the infinite night sky hanging itself above the everlasting dark sea. I'm burning. I'm bright. I'm so damn beautiful. But there's no one in the universe to see. There's no one in the sea to hear. So here I am, so alone. I'm everything and nothing. I'm oh, so precious but I'm not worth a single thing. There's nothing to be worthy of. And there's no one here not to care.

So I plummet. I fall from grace as I always do. My heart is beating in my ears as the ocean swallows me whole. It welcomes its first and final meal like one welcomes its long unrequited lover. It takes me in and it takes me down. My lungs are burning and I throw open my eyes to see the love that's killing me. But I'm not drowning in a loving ocean. I'm standing in the midnight fog. And I'm looking in on a dance floor where I'm not allowed.

-Sara