I can't seem to stop thinking about you today. Maybe it's because the year is coming to an end and I'm feeling all nostalgic. Or maybe it's because I went into your email account today for the first time since we destroyed each other and found hundreds of my mails still in a folder you named after me. I couldn't keep from reading those mails, reliving our relationship from the very first "I love you" to the final, painful goodbye. It hurt. Even after all this time and pain, it hurt to remember that I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Yet no one had ever completely ruined my life the way you did.

I look at the phone and long to call you up, hoping that maybe you'll help me let go of the memories I have been clinging to so desperately. Maybe you'll show me how to move on without being angry or hateful. Maybe you can tell me just how I can take one step forward without slipping back two steps. You seem to have moved on--you owe it to me to at least show me how.

Nicky asked me if I missed you. I don't. I don't miss you. I don't miss the way you held my hand, your thumb gently grazing my skin. I don't miss the sweet urgency in your voice when you reached for me. I don't miss the way your lips found all the right places to touch me, bringing me to life.

I don't miss the lies you drowned me with. I don't miss the way you walked out on me over and over again. I don't miss the anger I felt when I realized you had betrayed me. I don't miss the fear that overwhelmed me when your hands rushed over my body. I don't miss the way you promised to love me forever then broke my heart more thoroughly than anyone could have. No, Max, I don't miss you.

Did you ever really love me? Was there ever a moment where your feelings for me were sincere and true? Did you believe, even for a minute, that we could be together forever? Was I just someone you came to when no one else would let you in? Did I help you pass the time? What was I, Max? What was I to you that you could hurt me the way you did? What did I ever do to you to deserve the hell you put me through?

How much longer will I have to remain your ex-girlfriend? Will I ever be able to look back at my past and not see you? I just want you to go away. Just go and leave me be. Leave my heart, my mind, my memories. Leave me so I can continue forward, without the pain and the fear of history repeating itself.

Let me go. Release me from the memory of my love for you. Help me forget. I no longer know who to go to--who to ask for help. Cut the ties you have bound around my heart and set me free. You owe me that. It's the least you can do.

R.