I'm sorry that I can't tell you that I love you - in anything that resembles words. I'm sorry that my feelings come in the form of a get-well-soon card, or a day in my bed. But I'm not going to take all the responsibility for this...you've got to see that you had a hand in it. And 4 years ago - when we were only 13 - you gave me my first kiss and then left. And then one day, out of no where, you were back. And four years later I haven't gotten over it.

I never forgot about your lost virginity - gone before I had a chance to lay my claim. I never forgot about the girls - the ones you admitted to, and the ones you didn't. When we go out, and you stop to talk to some female friend, my eyes narrow, and you don't notice but I have to wonder if maybe she's number ten or eleven. But you know what chokes me up? What holds back the words? It's all your confessions. All the, "I love you so much" speeches. The "I want to marry you!" sermons. The late night poetry readings over the phone, and all the times you wouldn't talk cuz you said you didn't want to cry. If things are still like this, and you love me that much than what do I have to look forward to?

I know I'm not your girlfriend. I know your girlfriend, and I don't like her. I don't think she's right for you...but I don't think you shold be sleeping with me, and telling me you love me (sometimes simultaneously) when you're doing the same with her.

I'm sorry I've let this define me for so long. I don't think it's been totally healthy - becuase now I have to make these decisions - where to go, what to do, and whether or not I'm going to include you in all of this and it's so hard. I tried this last year, telling you we should just be friends. You agreed, but it only lasted a few days. You agreed just to make me happy - to patronize me.

I wouldn't mind it so much, if I could be sure it would all turn out okay in the end. You and me in a house, with 2.5 kids and all that American dream bullshit. But I hate your girlfriend, and I'm afraid to end up hating you. And when you say you love me, and I can't bring myself to say it back, above a whisper or outside of a Hallmark card that scares me.

Waiting in vain,