You took my life. Small and pure, innocent, and so trusting. You took everything you could away from me. I never got to ask you why. You know what? I never will ask you why. I wanted to know all these years, but guess what? Maybe I'm over you. The dead have no feelings, as far as I know. I have feelings, I have so many feelings.. so maybe you didn't really kill me. I will look at it like that. You raped me. You raped my soul, raped my mind, raped all that was me, repeatedly for the last 12 years of my life. And I was so hurt, I was NOTHING. Whatever was there, whatever I once had, you took it away from me.

Rape hurts. Two other men have raped me, I blame you for me not putting a stop to it; "If he's done it all that time, maybe it's normal.." You did it since I was 6. How was I to know right from wrong in an act inflicted upon me by someone I looked up to? I was too young to understand for awhile, then You know, I think I did, but maybe I was too afraid, too shaken, too confused. You made me that way. Then I became conscious. I knew what you were doing. I took it anyway. I wish that I could feed you every fucking ounce of my pain. The line "someday you will ache like I ache" comes to mind. When you do? When you ache, when you hurt so bad you want to take your own life.. Good. Do it. Kill yourself like you killed me. I look back at pictures of me, I must have been 5 years old, you know, around kindergarten, before "everything" started. Me smiling in my own happy little world. Smiling. I rarely smile anymore, I blame you. I was beautiful before you ruined me. Full of life, happy being alive, you could tell these things just from looking at those pictures. I didn't know me then, all I've got are pictures. And that's what I get from those. A happy normal little girl. Picture perfect..

Why did you think it was okay to take that all away? You took so much.. Sure, I grew up. I'm a young woman now. Granted I've had my moments.. I have some of the best friends.. better than anything I could ever ask for.. I love them, I'm capable of love, god, I'm so thankful of that. But I'm still sad. You took my world and you shook it, then you threw it against a wall and broke it into a million pieces and stole as many of those pieces as you possibly could. I'll never get them back. It hurts me that I let you do that. Yes, I'm still blaming myself, a little. I want so bad to see how I would have turned out. Would I be my opposite? Would I be smiling and happy, would I make everyone proud? Would I be successful? Maybe.. But for now I'm not. I've still got alot of living and changing to do though.. And I think I can be strong again. I wont let you win. I wont give you whats left of my life. Do you know who I am now? I'm this vulnerable thing.. trying so desperately to put her life back together, it's so hard. I'm weak. A woman asked me the other night, "are you scared or something?" This was based on her first impression of me, I guess. I'd only met her 10 minutes before. Well, yes. I am. You made me scared. Her comment really made me think. I don't want to be scared anymore. Why didn't you just leave me alone. Was masturbation not an option? No, lets fuck little girls. What the hell is wrong with you? I wanted to die because of you. I still do sometimes. die.. death... Do you know what death is? Are you death? I would plan out ways to die. Did you know that the time before last when you were visiting.. Did you know that I wanted to corner you and shoot myself? I wanted you to see me die so bad. I wanted that to be stuck in your sick head forever. But you know what? You already did see me die. all those times.. you were killing me. When you close your eyes do you see me lying there before you crying and pushing you away? Do you hear my words, my tortured screams? Do you see me breaking? Do you see what was once my life being brutally ripped apart at your mercy? I sure as hell hope you do. I hope you never forget, I hope someday you realize how wrong you were/are and I hope it haunts you forever.

I lost my family because of you. You tore them apart. I never told them that you raped me, I could never bring myself to do that, but even still, despite the fact you broke my parents' daughter, my brother's sister. You tore them apart with your evil presence. You turned my Dad against my Mom, because she stood up for you. You're her little brother and she has a heart, she couldn't just let you go try and make it on your own. She kept you. I'm still haunted by all those fights between my parents because of you.. My Dad would say "It's him or me".. He'd leave. My brother stood witness to you hurting me at times. My little brother. And now that your Mom lives with us, I feel a sense of blame towards her, for dumping you on my Mom like that. Therefore, I will not talk to her, I won't be her friend, I won't be her loving granddaughter. Did you know it makes her sad? Did you know you hurt your own Mom, too? You hurt us all. Wasn't it enough? What you took from me? Why'd you have to take my family away too.. My parents still fight, my brother still knows, I can see it in his eyes sometimes, when he catches me crying. When he sees a scar. He knows why. I have agonized over you for so long. It isn't fair that I'm in pain over you. It isn't fair that you made me feel like I do.

You made me this way. You made me sad, empty. You made quite the little masochist out of me. You made me resent life. You made me hate.. I never hated before. I never wanted to hate, I still don't. I'd like to honestly say I don't hate anyone, but I hate you. I hate you. I hate myself, you made me hate myself. That has to change.. that is changing, I'm making it change. It will. I'll be me again someday, not as pure, not as happy as I could have been, my life will never be beautiful because of you. And I'll just have to accept that. I wont apologize to you, I'll never apologize to myself, either. I'll try hard not to waste thoughts on you that could be spent thinking of love and life and all that is wonderful, all that shines. That's not you. Fuck you. Fuck your soul, whatever is left of it. I look deep into my mind, and think. Now who's nothing? You. You are nothing. I am a person, a person with a mind and conscience, can you say that? Don't you wish you could honestly say that? You can't, and you're missing out. I'm not whole yet, but I'm working on that, and I will be someday.. I am above you now. Even if I don't feel it, even if I doubt I'm alive at times. Even if I'm still tormented by memories, by thoughts. And yes, as I said before, I am still scared. But that's ok.. Everyone gets scared sometimes. I'm still hurting, how can I not be? But through all that, and even though I will never forget.. I will never be you. For that, I am happy. Look, I have a happy thought inside of me. Surrounded by sadness, I still feel it tucked away in there. And it's good. And you cant take that away, I will never let you take that away again. There is happiness inside me that you can't ever touch. That lets me know that I *am* capable of being happy someday.. Maybe I will be. I thought for the longest time that would be impossible, I was wrong, and its so great that I was wrong..

I'm still alive. I lived through it. I have scars, mental scars, physical scars, their reason being you, I have thoughts.. But look. Look at me. I lived through you. I no longer need anything from you, I don't need your explanations or your apologies anymore to be happy. It looks as though you've lost your little game. Hear that? You lose. How does it feel?

I will never forgive you..