You can choose to read this or choose not to. But since you refuse to listen to what I have to say, this is the only way I can get my feelings out. First of all, I would like to start by saying that I am not always wrong. I don't understand how you can accuse me of being the one who gets mad when you think I'm wrong, when you do the exact same thing. Do you even see the hypocrisy? And instead of being rude and walking away in the middle of what I was saying, why couldn't you have just listened to me for 2 seconds? It is so frustrating to not have anyone I can turn to. And yes, I am jealous of those families that get along so well. I don't know how they do it. When you say things like "Do your friends do that?? Are they rude to their mothers?? I doubt it!", it really hurts me. I'm not my friends, and I never will be, so stop hoping.

You pretty much accuse me of anything we fight about... I started it, I'm ridiculous, I'm carrying on like a baby... But I don't know how else to get through to you sometimes! And I know it usually backfires, but it's the only way I know. I have so much pent up anger in me, that sometimes, it just all comes gushing out when I get mad over petty things. And you don't think I know that I argue about dumb things? I realize! But you know, sometimes, I'm not just arguing about that. For once, I would like to hear "You're right, I should've done it differently, I'm sorry." And you may be thinking, "Well, you never say it either!", but it's just a vicious cycle, really. You think you're right, I think I'm right= huge fight. And instead of me being able to tell you how I really feel, you just get mad at me, and take it offensively and say "Well fine! Since I'm such a horrible mother, let your father deal with you from now on! Don't ask me for anything!" I know you're not a horrible mother! I have NEVER said that in my life. And damnit, I KNOW you do a lot for me! I get so much, and I am truly grateful... but stop shaking your head at this letter for a minute and think... can you honestly convince yourself that we fight about how much you get me? Because both you and I know that you get me plenty... I don't think that's where the problem is.

The problem, I think, is that we just don't see eye to eye on anything. You're always going to think of me as a selfish, spoiled brat, and there's not much I can do to change your mind. Nothing I say, nothing I do, no work I do in school is ever good enough. It's always "Fine! we'll see how your next report card is! I know you've been slacking off... I never ever see you stuffy...". I always have to be better than I am. I know I screw up! I can't take back all the "fuck you"'s, or the "go to hell"'s or the "I hate you"'s, but I can try to be better, if you can.. or is that too much to ask? You see, I want to be better... I want to stop feeling like I don't belong. I don't want to spend hours on the internet in seclusion from the rest of the family. Right now, I just don't feel like I connect with anyone (except maybe the dog).

I know I'm leaving in a few days, but I hope that those few days and the 2 weeks I'm going to be gone are enough time for you to figure out your own feelings (which you have not done) and figure out my feelings (also which you haven't done), and I hope these weeks apart will be enough time for you to do as much thinking as I've done in the past couple of years. And please take this seriously, and don't blow it off. I've never been more serious. And I don't want to cause any more problems. It can only get better form here, right?

Love,