I can't explain why I'm still thinking about you all the time. I don't know why I ever got involved with you in the first place, and I sure as hell don't have any clue as to why I still cry over you.

Yeah. I cry over you. That's probably a surprise. Well, I might not have meant anything to you-- but you meant so much to me that I can't even begin to explain it. And you... you treated me like shit from the very beginning. Unfortunately, I was just too blind to realize it. I was blinded by my adoration for you, my obsession with you... my love for you. Yes, love. I don't use that word lightly... you should feel honored.

And in return, you destroyed me and my faith in love. I used to be so happy and naive and innocent, the typical teenage girl, actually believing in things like love and happiness. You changed my world, and not in a good way.

Let's see... the last time I talked to you was in early July of 98. Yet, our relationship didn't "officially" end until the end of July. Not a huge surprise, really. I remember so well that day in July-- July 28, to be exact. It was after band practice... your friend Sean came up to me and said, "Matt just wants to be friends. Are you OK?"

I didn't know what to think at first, I didn't know what to say. I knew something like this was coming, but I thought that it would be different, I thought that you would still care about me enough to do it yourself... but you didn't. You took the easy way out. And I hate you for that reason, and for no other.

After Sean walked away I leaned over the water fountain, hardly holding myself up, not believing what had happened. I still naively thought that maybe, just maybe, you would talk to me the next day.. but I was wrong and I knew it even then.

Then you had the nerve to make up a story to cover your ass. I overheard you telling two of my good friends-- Kelly and Ben-- that you just didn't have time to talk to me that night. YOU BASTARD. You had more than enough time. I remember every moment of that night and I clearly remember looking over at you during break and wondering if you would come talk to me.

But that's all in the past, and all I have left now are my memories and my bitterness. I hate you so much because I loved you so much. And there's more. I miss you. I don't know why, but there's this emptiness in my head and in my heart, and nothing will take that away. Sometimes I just sit with my head on my knees, crying my eyes out because of everything that's happened. And that doesn't even work anymore.

I guess I could have talked to you... forced you into conversation, told you that you were full of bullshit, told you everything... but I chose to keep my grief to myself. I knew that surely I would break down in front of you, and quite honestly I have never cried in front of anyone. I have been the strong one. And I am paying for that decision every day, more and more.

But I have to thank you for a few things as well... first of all, for inspiring me to write poetry again. Not the gooshy, I-love-you-so-much poetry... I've never written any of that. Instead, I wrote post-breakup poems, some angry, some depressed. And I'm very proud of all of them. Secondly, I have to thank you for opening my eyes to the cold hard truths about life and love. Everything's not perfect... but I didn't realize that before. I never really experienced heartache before you came along. I am no longer that innocent, naive girl. Sometimes I miss her, but more often I realize that I'm a better person now. Naive people don't get along very well in the real world these days.

That's all, I think. You know, it's crazy that I have to get my closure through this. It's really upsetting for me to know that you never cared enough to give me any, and it's so hard for me to hold my head up these days. But there's nothing left for me to say, so.... goodbye. Forever. Have a nice life.