There are many things I know you will never understand. I used to blame you for this ignorance, but I've come to pity you. You will never know what it means to carry part of someone else inside of you. You will never know what it means to love someone so much that you would do anything for them. You will never know what it means to lose it all. You may think that you are better off for not having had to experience the pain of physically giving up our child, but I pity you. I pity you because you will never be able to experience love the way that I have.

When we were together the first time, you made it clear to me that you didn't want to be in a relationship. Of course what I heard was "I think I don't want to be in a relationship, but you might be able to change my mind." Obviously I was wrong, and after the second time we were together, things got weird. The fact that we worked together didn't help.

When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was that I shouldn't even tell you. I didn't know what to do. I was so alone and confused, and I didn't even know if you would believe me. When I told you, I felt pretty lucky. You said all the right things, and made me feel halfway okay about it. I knew from the beginning that you wanted me to get an abortion, and I really didn't want to. As stupid as everyone said it was, I wanted to keep the baby. I knew that neither of us was ready for it, but just over the two weeks I knew I was pregnant, I had grown very attached. Ultimately, the reason I decided to get the abortion was because I knew that you would resent me and our child forever if I didn't.

After the abortion, everything changed. It was as if you felt that you were done. You were no longer available for emotional support, or even as a friend in any manner. When I was in the hospital with an infection from the abortion, every footstep I heard down the hall made my heart skip a beat. But you never came. When I finally came back to work, you acted as if nothing ever happened. I had to lie to everyone about why I was gone, while you never had to explain a thing. It got to the point where I couldn't even look at you without crying. I had to tell our boss that you were the father so she wouldn't schedule me to work with you. When it got unbearable, I had to quit. My last day at work I gave you the tape of those songs because they conveyed all the mixed feelings of love and anger that I have towards you. Now, you see me and you turn away. I don't know why things had to happen the way they did, or why you became unavailable to me all of the sudden. All I know is that I thought that you were the only person who could even come close to understanding how I feel, and you abandoned me when I needed you the most. I know it doesn't matter now, but I love you, and I forgive you, and I hope that someday you can forgive yourself.

Love,