I received a phone call from you. And I have to say I was near tears as soon as I heard your voice. I don't understand why you cant just stay away. Go away. Everytime you decide to pop into my life I become anxious and scared. And out of nowhere you pack your bags and leave once again with me running after you.

I can never understand why I still want you. After all the times I was in trouble by you because I spilled juice or I didn't come when you called. My fear of you when I was younger was so great that I use to stutter. Do you remember, Daddy? You use to tell me I was a bad girl. And my mother would find me in front of a mirror telling myself that I was a "bad little girl." I grew up thinking I was a "bad little girl" because Daddy didn't love me. Do you know what that feels like?

I haven't seen you in so long. Because I know better. But Jacob? If you ever lay another hand on that boy again and you will wish you never had a hand. You will not put my brother through all the hell you put me through. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, there is a law in this world. You can only ruin one persons life very lifetime. You have taken my soul and filled it with fear of men and of yelling and low self esteem. You will not do that to my brother. I will not let him live the life I have lived because I have known you. You might have helped bring me into this world but that does not mean you own me anymore.

One thing I will always remember is when Mom said I looked so much like you it made her sick to look at me. This made me feel so less of a person. This made me hate myself. Because look at the world you have given me. Look at it. I wont let anyone near me. I wont let them hug me and if they tell me they love me I don't always believe them. I have let go of a wonderful relationship with someone because I have no self esteem. I have so much anger, I cant even express it. I only have one good memory of you. When we would watch cartoons together and I would sit on the floor in front of your chair and you would brush my hair. I love that memory. Because it was happy and its what I thought a daddy should be like. Because you weren't screaming at me or hitting me. You were my Daddy but somewhere along the way it became bad and I began to be afraid of you. You would scream so loud that I thought there was an earthquake and I would go hide in the closet or under a table. I started sucking thumb. I was so afraid of you, Daddy.

You use to tell me on the phone that I was a mistake. And that the divorce was my fault. My fault! I was 5 years old. I didn't know what else to think except it was my fault. I have been so afraid of men my whole life. I never thought I was good enough for anything or anyone.

I am going to finish school, Daddy. Because I don't want to be the bum that you are. You have a degree from college in architecture. And where are you, Daddy? Sleeping on your best friend's couch? Or telling me that you live in your car? I work so hard so I wont be anything like you. Sometimes Mom says I am belligerent like you and I have so much anger in me like you did. And that hurts because I don't know how to change it. Whether or not I like it, I am like you. And it hurts me. Because I want to be a good girl. I want to be everything that is good inside. I want you to love me. That is all I have ever wanted.

I am going to forgive you because I cant live like this. I have to let you go. I have to let go of all this anger and all these tears I have. I cant keep holding on to all the memories you have given me. You take my guilt. Because I want to be happy and I know your not. Take care of yourself, Daddy. I hope someday you will find someone you will be good too. Please don't treat anyone else the way you have treated me.

Love,