Now you are hurting aren't you. Erin took what you fell in love with, her life. It was Nicks fault; still is. So why when he does the same thing are you still hurting? I don't know. You went back to college and expected to forget about the whole thing. Nick never crossed you mind. Except when you thought of Erins pain and then you would hope he died. How ironic. Except when you thought of her pain and hoped his pain was worse. How ironic. You bastard.
You heard the word suicide in the first letter you received from home in six months and you knew it was Nick. You went home for him too. You stood by his bed and realized for once you were right. There was no one else there. You were as brain dead as him. When they buried him you cried. More than you did when they buried Erin. Now you are yourself wondering if suicide is the easiest way out. While at the same time telling yourself that if you did that you would be the loser, the same as Nick.
The fact that he went first makes you jealous. You were supposed to win. Now you have no one compete with. You will keep taking flowers to her grave everytime you are in town. Then you will get up and take flowers to his and apologize for something you didn't do. You are one sorry pathetic ignorant fool. You hate yourself more now just because he died and you never really believed it was his fault. You just couldn't bring yourself to admit you played just as much a part in Erins sorrow as he did. Now you have run away again. Now you have no one care about. You did care didn't you? Didn't you!? You cried, you always will cry.
For the rest of your life. You will move on, get married, have kids, retire. Then when you are dying you will cry because of this. All this; every bit of it will come back to you. You won't even remember where your car keys are but you will remember the last year of your fucking life and you will cry. See what I mean. You are looking back right now and trying to hold back the tears. Fuck you. Cry you bastard. That's all you are good for. Damn; damn it all to hell. Spend your life guilty of two murders. All you had to do was stay. Selfish ass. You left just for own benefit. You could have gone to a better school in the same state. Instead you run 4,000 miles away to play your fucking guitar and drive on the wrong fucking side of the road.
You will never be anyone to anyone but yourself. Go back. Stay there. Stay with them. There is nothing here. There never was. Now there is nothing there either. Nothing to go back to. No one remembers you, no one cares about you, no one wants you. NO ONE!! Go to hell. Then when you stop screwing around get up off you filthy ass and do something other than pity yourself. Go to class damn it. Atleast get what your precious little trust fun is paying for. Then when you get your damn education be a fucking bum. Do what you want to do. Pick up your God damn backpack and hike all around the damn globe and play you fucking guitar for pennies. Thats all your worth. But even at that atleast you did something to be proud of. You became self dependant and all alone for the first time.
You will always remember them both. Pictures and journals that only you have and only you have read. For the rest of your pitiful life always remember that.
Always.
-Brad
