4 June, 1999
  Erik-
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I realize that you are a dishonest person. You cannot even be honest with yourself, and if you are, then you are lying to me.

So, it's over. And I know what you will do: you will say "It was never possible in the first place". You will say, "See, it can only lead to more hurt". And you will be lying.

The truth is, you did not choose it. Maybe you didn't want me badly enough, or value our relationship enough to overcome your fear or your habits. Maybe you didn't believe in yourself enough to think you ever could. Maybe you wanted me once, then stopped wanting me and were too scared to hurt me by admitting that. Maybe you never wanted me in the first place and I let you fool me.

Choice is difficult. It's difficult to admit you have the power to choose, because then you have the responsibility to choose. Please don't kid yourself and think you never had a say; you did.

You chose to say nothing. You ran away.

You know what my choice is: I love you, and I want to be with you and work at this. I still do, but I cannot work by myself anymore. You told me to stop apologizing, but I'm sorry that I must write this words. Part of me, in fact a large part of me, will always wonder: had I done anything differently, could I have changed anything? I did what I thought was best, even if it wasn't good enough to convince you to give us a chance.

My responsibility now is to tell you that you need more help than I can give you. I hope you learn to forgive yourself. I hope you learn to be honest. I hope you learn that we make our circumstances, we are not stuck. I hope you learn that fate doesn't happen without people to make it happen. Don't mistake the effects of a quintillion things interacting for fate.

I hope you remember that at least one person loves you, even if you won't allow him to be with you.

Michael


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