I am writing because I feel like there are more things I would like to say from our conversation last night. It felt unfinished to me. It's not easy for me to have those types of conversations with you, Dad, and it frustrates me when you and mom don't continue them when they start getting a little deep. I thought the computer would be an easier way for the both of us to have a meaningful conversation. It seems as though when I start getting passionate or radical about my feelings, you turn and run. Why? Is it because you don't want to hear it? You don't know what to say to me? Is it because I get defensive and you can't handle it?

One thing, I do not understand why you think that I live this lavish lifestyle where I neglect any responsibilities. What kinds of things, besides going to concerts and visiting friends in other cities, do I do that constitutes me living lavishly? No, I don't have thousands of dollars in the bank (you don't either!), I struggle at times, this is normal for a single parent Dad! And it also builds character. I don't eat out at expensive restaurants, I don't buy expensive clothing very often, I take care of every single need that Sydney has. I give her all that I have inside of me, which may not be much to you. You seem to take the things that I say out of context and hold them against me. Like I'm still that girl 6 years ago living in Florida and driving expensive cars and travelling all over.

My life is completely different now. It has not been an easy adjustment. What I meant by "free spirit" is that I want to be able to do all the things that I dream of doing, and there isn't any reason why I shouldn't be able to do this with Sydney if I work hard enough. I think all I've really ever wanted from you and mom was emotional support and understanding, some empathy. But all I really ever get from you is how I've made my bed and now I should just lye in it. And now you say I complain too much and that I am not optimistic. I think, with everything that I've been through, I'm pretty damn optimistic. I have a career, I have a decent home, I have a sweet and smart daughter, I have family nearby, and I'm very thankful for all of that. I am generally pretty happy. In my honest opinion, if Sydney ever makes the mistakes that I've made, I will be there for her no matter what, always telling her how she can do anything. That life will have it's ups and downs. NOT that she made mistakes and she should suffer. I will not ignore her if she is hurting about ANYTHING. If she needs to talk, I will listen and try to see her point. I will ALWAYS talk to her and teach her.

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much as mom would say. I'm sorry that you don't agree with the person that I've become, that I don't do things the way YOU would. But that's the beauty of life and having a mind of my own. I am not perfect, and I don't try to cheat, lie, steal or harm anyone. I am always honest (sometimes brutally) and I try to live my life to it's fullest. Heh, it might seem like I play martyr at times, but I don't want to end up being 50 years old, out of shape, alone and doing the same old boring thing day after day after day. I would like to see the world, meet interesting people who have thoughts to share. I would like to collect memories to pass on to Sydney. You know, a lot of very frustrating things seem to happen to me often. Such as my car always having something wrong with it, causing me to spend more money. My job has it's ups and downs. And not having a partner to share life and responsibilities of parenthood with is somewhat depressing because I'm not getting any younger.

About Howie, obviously you don't know him, or my relationship with him. He is a good friend to me. He wants to see me succeed, he knows how much I love New York City and so he offered his help. He has no intentions whatsoever of using me, of leaving me high and dry, or whatever notions you've concocted. Do you know the future? And so what if he ends up getting married, that would be great! What if it was ME he married, that would be even better. I'm not counting on it, however, I would deal with the fact that I would have to find another place to live just as if I were here, living with a roommate. Do you have something against me living somewhere else? I seriously don't want to have to go through another bad experience with Nick like I did last December. Especially if it means having my parents throw it all in my face how I made another mistake. You really don't know what it's like dealing with him, all you hear about is how much of a jerk he is and you tell me that I need to do the right thing by taking him to court or not letting him see her or whatever the case may be. But you don't see how much Sydney loves him or how much he loves her. How much he struggles to be normal. You don't hear the things he says to me as his friend. I have been a very forgiving person when it comes to him, I have no choice. He has an illness whether you all understand it or believe it. I try to do the right thing when it comes to Nick, but you assume that I let him see her because it's so inconvenient for me to always have Sydney. Yeah, maybe I didn't use the order against him long enough, but Sydney needs her dad. And he needs her. I don't want to be with him, but I feel pressured to be his friend, to help him because of his illness. I cannot just ignore him, or hate him. That is negativity that I just do not want in my life. I do need people, dad. I need family. I need friends.

I am going to continue to make mistakes in life. I sure wish that I had two parents who cared enough to see past some things and give me the love, encouragement, and understanding that I need. But I still feel, after all these years, your criticism and control. This is the entire reason why I go to counseling. I have a very hard time watching you treat mom the way you do. And sometimes I see myself treating other people this way because I grew up with you getting annoyed when anyone didn't do things the way you would do them. You talk down to your family. And I don't understand how you can still do this. Maybe you are unhappy with who you are. Maybe you think you are better than others. I don't know. But you don't seem to talk to your friends this way. All I know is that I strive, every day, to be a better person, to gain knowledge, to learn how to communicate because it is so difficult. The ONLY way to gain this knowledge is to forget about being scared of conflict or what people think, and be who I am. It's like we go through life sidestepping the real issues. Well, it's pretty much time for me to move on. I am really tired of going through the same issues when nothing ever changes.

Love, your oldest and obviously most screwed up daughter,