I'm in shock. How is it possible that you've reentered my life? I had just gotten to the point where you were a fleeting thought.....where I only thought of you when I heard certain songs...smelled certain smells....saw certain places....and you'd drift in and out of my mind, as quickly as a thought can.

But now you're back...I almost choked when I looked up and you and Brock were standing in the doorway of Amber's kitchen. Airika just looked at me, I know that she knew that I was dying inside. I managed to play it cool and say hello to the two of you. I don't know if I can describe how I felt. It was the same thing a few nights later at Airika's house....you encouraging me to drink...to take those codeine pills...I felt like I was back in time, two years, to when I first met you. How sweet you were then, Mike. You offered me a cigarette because I was out and then lit it for me....I knew that I liked you from the start.

Those first nights, in the beginning weeks of the summer were so beautiful...I would go out with Amber and Allison, and then we'd come home to hang out with you guys...I can still remember what it was like to kiss you..there on the back porch...the taste of Marlboro Lights and Mickey's still brings back some fiercely strong memories. But then things started to go bad. I was tired of your friends, at times, and you couldn't get enough alcohol in your system. I was tired of that. I wish you could have realized though, that when I said it wouldn't work, I didn't mean for you to leave. But you did. You went straight to R's arms. I laugh now when I think about it. I really was better than her...I feel that I always will be. You thought I was blind, I guess. I knew that the two of you were together, but when I'd be at your house, hanging out with Amber, you'd act as if you were single. And I was stupid. Very very very stupid.

I don't know why I fucked you Mike. I wish that I never would have. I became the type of person that I've always said that I'd never be: the other woman...the whore. I was your dirty little secret, and I put up with it for 3 months. Then I felt it had to stop. I still thought of you, but never saw you. Then, one day, I heard that you'd moved. You went back to Arizona. Hearing your name made my hurt heat up a little bit, but over the course of a year, my pain slowly started going away. Eventually I forgot what color your eyes were. I forgot your favorite song, and FINALLY, I managed to forget what you meant to me.

Until 2 weeks ago.

Suddenly you were back. At Airika's, the night that you were drunk, and you kept asking me if we could be "cool" again. I almost considered giving in Mike. You've been all that I've thought about for the past week. But I've made up my mind. No. You and I won't ever be "cool" again. Us being "cool" before put me through hell. Because we were "cool" I lost the love and trust of friends and family members, and of people that meant so much to me. Us being "cool" almost made me take my own life...so, Mike, the answer is no. I don't hate you Mike. I hate the person I became because of you. And I'm never going to be that person again.

Sincerely-