I could find 1000's of reasons to hate you, and somehow, I still don't. I don't know why I don't, everything that has happened makes me want to hate you, and I can't bring myself to do it. In these past ten months, you've caused me more frustration and confusion then the past fifteen years combined. I've never told you that though.

When I talk to you, nothing is ever wrong on the outside, you probably think I have no emotions because around you, I never show them. Around you, I want to be the best of me: happy, carefree and cheerful, and usually I succeed though it kills me inside sometimes. Next time I smile and agree when you tell me a certain photo of myself is horrible, imagine me crying. Imagine me angry when you ignore me. Just try and forget that stupid smile I always wear.

What hurts me the most though isn't necessarily your actions or words, but my reactions. I take it all as if it doesn't bother me, when really I dwell on it later. My reactions to your affection are worse though. If I hit you when you tickle me, back off when you try to kiss me, or wiggle out of your bear hug, it's not because I don't like you, but rather the opposite. I'm afraid that if I get close and physical with you, it won't mean anything. I like you, but I want you to show affection because you like me the same way and not because you're a flirt. So until I can be sure we're on the same level emotionally, nothing physical will happen.

The only way this can be solved is a good long talk, but I don't think that's going to happen. Instead, this summer will be the same as last; us trying to make each other jealous and occasionally sharing an unforgettable moment or two. Those moments make it impossible to hate you. Everyone knows we're meant to be together and I guess it's only a matter of time before we're able to shed insecurities and end the war.

Always,