Do you still love me? You say that you do, and I hear you say those words, but is it my welfare that really concerns you? I'm depressed again, but I'm not going to let you know.

Remember what happened last time? You shoved the happy pills down my throat. You said that because they worked for my brother, then, obviously, they'd work for me. But they didn't. And did you ever ask yourself why both he and I ended up depressed? Don't tell yourself that it was genetic, we were adopted from different families… remember?

How did it make you feel that day I blacked out while driving? What did you think when I told you after I got home? What were your thoughts that evening when I was in the emergency room? I remember the conversation… I thought you were concerned, I thought you cared, I felt loved. And it was the first time in years that I had felt that way…

When we realized the cause of the black out was the happy pills that weren't fighting off the depression, what did you do? You took me back to the pill-pusher doctor and told her to find something else that would "cure" me.

Do you realize what was wrong with those drugs? Drugs, neither prescription nor illegal make life hurt any less. I was suicidal more often than not when I was taking those things.

I never told you. You would have wanted to "try something else" or "up the dosage." I can't remember how many times I heard you say those two phrases. I never felt so awful as when I was on those happy pills. I remember how angry you were when I told you I wasn't going to take them anymore. You told me I was stubborn, you said that I was irresponsible.

You say that I'm the one that never listens. But did you hear me when I would tell you how sick I felt? This is my senior year of high school. It's supposed to be fun. How can it be fun when I'm dizzy, nauseous, and having week long migraines?

And now that the drugs are out of my system, there are some long lasting effects. I'm sensitive to medications, and those mind drugs have killed my memory. There are things that are missing that were there before.

Were you trying to remove the blame from yourself? Did you make me take the pills so that you could say "we did everything we could"? Did you ever think that maybe if you hadn't left me so that you could take care of my brother, I might have been okay? I know he needed your help… but it was the beginning of high school, and I, like most people that age, needed some support. I'm wasn't asking for much… having a family would have been nice.

And yes, I blame you. Maybe if you had listened I wouldn't, maybe if you had just tried to understand. Maybe if you hadn't lied to the therapist about what was going on at home he could have helped… and then I never would have ended up like this. I wish I didn't have end up in the emergency room for you to care.

We've clashed many times over the years. I'm sorry, I have a mind of my own. I'm not like my brother. Remember? He killed all his brain cells using the illegal drugs. It's funny… you've never been afraid to admit to me that you've paid more attention to him over the years (though you'll never admit it to anyone else, I guess it's our family secret). Because he needed is always your defense. I guess I didn't need it. I guess I don't deserve it. I guess I'm not as important. That's how it has felt… it's been almost 18 years of that feeling.

I'm leaving this year. Just like you left me a long time ago. I'm not going to look back, there's nothing you have left to give me. At least, I hope I'm strong enough to move on and take care of myself. But I grew up feeling like I owed you something, so I'll probably be back, and I'll hate myself for it. It'll be the same feeling I had every time I went back to my abusive ex boyfriend. That's how I feel about you…

I grew up long ago. But I think you missed it.