Today I was released from my promise. Death of a friendship is far harsher on me than of a love. With love there are many justifications when it goes wrong, but dying friendship is abandonment. I saw that you have become nothing more than a sad little boy putting on yet another false face to dance another sad little dance for another group of forgettable people. The latest personality is nothing short of repulsive and amusing as you aren't even master of the chair in which you sit. We laughed, especially at the wowicake wacipi. The Nigetakiya was highly amused. Then I cried to see what I once thought of as luminous turn to a dull mustard yellow, the color of sickness. I looked and looked but could find nothing to respect. This hurt deeper than even you stealing from me but is the final pain you give.

My word has been kept. It was fragile, encased in a crystal globe that I buried deep inside refusing to gaze into knowing how I could easily break something so delicate. Then I saw a mean small person getting joy from the humiliation of others, the little schoolyard bully wishing he were important. A pretending existence. You live in a shallow world of pale blue artificial light never stepping outside or looking into real eyes to touch real skin. A coward hiding behind a persona instead of standing tall and facing life, just a weak parody of a man. Carry your pride. My stomach turned and I heard crystal explode as if the pressure from inside the globe was too much for it's thin shell. Looking at you I felt a deep shame for both of us.

Even what I saw as graceful in you I realized was untrue. Your beautiful words. I saw that you are a mimic who parrots the phrases of others. At this time I am certain you are creating nothing, with your prose dried up so there is no joy or beauty coming from you, only ugliness. You chose to be ugly. Deeply, thoroughly ugly.

My promise was to a game, a role-play, a person that does not and never existed. I merely bought you a little time. Someone took my hand and laughed my shame away with me. We turned our backs and went outside into the sun. Thank you for returning to me the bit of my heart, it is only so big and one only has so much to go around.

I am relieved.

Again,
pilamayae.