I cannot talk to you on the phone anymore because I always end up feeling worse than I did to begin with. I seems like the only reason I call you is because I'm in some panicked state and I am depending upon you to fix it. And it is not your job or place to fix it. And I feel like you wish you were elsewhere even though you've told me otherwise and that I am writing this or feeling this is not due to anything of your making. It is my fucked up head trying to ruin everything I have. I wish I could just pinpoint what is causing me to feel this way.

This past Saturday, being completely spent with Brian, just reminded me of why I was so drawn to him in the first place. He never made me feel whole but he made me feel secure. and I wish that security was something I could offer myself. I feel safe when he wraps his arms around me, I still do, regardless of the words being spoken or actions previous. and it is pathetic for me to feel this way because he is not someone who is going to protect me. Maybe it can be explained by some fucked up Freudian theory that I am in need of a loving father figure And maybe you are asking yourself what the hell this has to do with you. I'm not really sure. I just know that you are the person I feel closest to and that I feel somewhat comfortable spilling this all to you. I desperately hope that enabling you to see what a mess I am on the inside will not make you care less about me.

And when I told you it's hard for me to have more than surface friends, I lied. It is nearly impossible for me to let people close. Like I have said before, I am not even living my own life. I am just floating while going through the correct motions, but I don't want to be floating. I want to be enjoying what is around me.

You told me that you cared for me and I was shocked because I care back. I just never expected to hear something like that. It is somehow easier when I am only dealing with myself because then I only have myself to blame for being silent or for being whatever I am. I feel so awkward telling you that I love you because those words seem to be so false. It feels as if those three words are a jinx that will remove you from my life. And I don't want you erased but I have a hard time conceiving of you being in my life permanently.

You said that you feel better when someone loves your or is in love with you and I don't think that I could ever or would ever take that away from you. But it doesn't change the way I feel - as if I am filling some void that exists within you. I imagine that you are doing the same thing for me. What is frightening to me is that this could possibly be all we are to each other. I see us grasping to connect and to talk and to communicate. And I am so very wary of involving myself any deeper in this if the dead end is already apparent.

I feel like I should be able to say all of this in person. But I kept starting to cry and could never work up the nerve to begin a conversation of this magnitude. You seem so distant and I feel as if I am troubling you with information you neither wish to deal with nor can handle. But I needed to express this. And I need some response. I am afraid that each of us will invest a lot into whatever we feel exists between the two of us and what we hoped for, in actuality, won't exist after all. I feel sure that you will choose to walk away and I would prefer that this happen sooner as opposed to later when the damage will be far worse and far more widespread.