You told me to always write you like I wasn't going to send it, write and pour out everything, all my feelings, like no one would ever read it. Be honest, be yourself. So now I take your advice for one last time....I will write like you will never read it. And maybe someday I will push that send button, but for now I keep it to myself.

I never imagined that I would still think of you after all this time. But I do. I think of our conversations of the past, I think of our summer plans that never happened, I think of you when I watch Dawsons Creek (you were the one who got me to watch it), I think of you when I listen to certain Smashing Pumpkins songs that I know you like. But I have to admit I hate what you have done to my relationship with Jon, and I hate how you betrayed me, lied to me. I hate it. and I hate you. But if you were to apologize and if you were to sincerely change, I would be able to be your friend again. In fact, that's what I long for, to be your friend. That's all I've ever wanted. For some reason, I connected with you, I loved everything about you. You understood me like no one else had, and it felt so wonderful to have you to talk to.

The other night I cried for half an hour because I miss you. But I don't miss you... I don't miss the bad things about you. I don't miss the fact that you love Jon. I don't miss your psychotic fantasies where you twist a situation so badly that no one, not even you, recognizes it anymore. But I miss you, I miss your love that I thought I had, I miss your letters, I miss the phone conversations. I miss being able to talk to you about all my problems. I miss you.

But I'm also so hurt by you, you will never understand how deep it goes in me. I ache in my chest, I hurt in the deepest darkest parts of my soul. I wonder where all this pain comes from. You betrayed me, lied to me, resented me...and on top of all that, you think you are the one that Jon loves. I just never understood how you could think that. Jon is with me, we are together. Its been a year, you need to let go of your thing for Jon. And I am just so hurt over all the other countless things you have done or said in the last few months to let me know that you never really cared about me, or it appears that you never really cared about me. Isn't horrible how one boy can come between friends like this. I never wanted it to.

So I guess you were one of those people who touched my life so deeply, in some weird way, that I will never be able to forget you, never be able to stop loving you. I guess I'm forever doomed to walk this earth wondering about you. You're one of those people that I will always have to love in silence, in secret. You'll never return my love, I'll always be empty without it. There will always be that ache in my chest, the one that surfaces when I think of you, or am reminded of you. You once said "its like someone is sitting on my chest, pushing all the air out." Yes, that's what this feels like. I miss you. Yet, I hate you, every last drop of you. After the hell you put me through, after the delusional world of yours that you made me live in, I never want to see you again. I want you to know that I hate you, and everything having to do with you. I want nothing more than to finally have the last say with you, to get you to admit you are so fucking messed up, and that you messed up my life. But there's that stupid part of me that aches for you. I guess I will be forever torn over you. I will always hate you and love you all at the same time.

Sincerely,