So many unsent letters sit in my trunk, along w/ my 28 journals and the few material memories I was able to salvage. The letters I furiously scribbled out in times of distress, frustration, elation, or boredom, even though I knew you would never see them. The 28 hard bound journals each w/ a time span no greater than 2 months a piece, when the letters just wouldn't do at 3 o'clock in the morning. Those are yours too. The school picture from 7th grade where the wind distorted all of our faces. The piano music piece you loved that I haven't played since I last saw you. All the music we had picked out together to learn as duets, it's in there too, yet to be played and without a pencil mark on them. The page of my yearbook that you signed.

You used to call me "sis" remember? You were always like my older brother. You protected me from whoever tried to hurt me, and you never made fun of me, or betrayed me for "the guys". I in turn looked up to you with such admiration and love in my eyes. I could trust you, we laughed together, we had the same interests, dreams, and feelings, and there was something so special about you that was God sent and fate drenched. Very few people walk through your life leaving foot prints.

Now, I don't understand. I thought of you as my best friend. Maybe you didn't think of me as yours, which scares me that I've been dreaming a lie for 4 years. I don't understand. You left without saying goodbye. You just picked up and moved. You didn't call. Could you have called? Why did you move in the first place? What if your Stepdad is hurting you more? I didn't know what to do then, and I'm even more helpless now. Are you not answering my letters because you've forgotten who I am or because you just never got them? DID you forget about me? What if you don't live there anymore? What if some stranger is getting them? Did you forget how to play the piano? Did you forget what music meant to us? What are you like now? Are you still cheering people up? Is your personality still winning? Remember our plans? We were gonna go through high school together. Jake and Court. Court and Jake. The invincible platonic team. We were gonna join band and keep up music, remember? And you were gonna teach me how to play "the blues". And we promised we would never look alone or weak in the halls of high school because we would have one another by our sides. We promised ourselves to always keep each other laughing. And we were going to graduate together, the class of 2000, having the time of our lives. I'll be a senior in the fall. I can't believe I'm going to graduate without you by my side.

I used to dream over and over different scenarios of how I would meet up with you again. How you would magically walk back into my life. I stopped. Forgive me for being the person we hoped we'd never turn into as we got older, but I have a feeling I'll never see you again on this earth. So my last clinging hope is that when I see you in heaven, you'll remember me, hug me tight, and we'll pick up from where we left off.

Until,