Trust me I haven't stopped crying all night..I got what I deserved. Let me tell you a story. Last night I read your letter and it tore every one of my pores apart. Because it was all totally and completely true..well most of it that is...I cried. And I was an unbelievable pathetic wreck. I needed someone so bad...so badly, more then I have ever needed anyone.

I felt like the other half of my soul was missing..like it had been taken away. Trust me, my life will never be the same again. And I had no one..absolutely no one to talk too...no one. I begged someone I say I love to let me call him...but no...no one..no one..he left me alone too. Isn't it funny, I'm sure you don't find the humor in it. I'm sure you wouldn't share a laugh at my expense. But look at that..I'm being punished for it all. Everything comes back to you. You get what you deserve. And I was left alone. Just like I left you alone so many times. I realized so many things and thought about it all.

Right now..its 8am and I'm still here crying..with swollen eyes..and a brain and chest that wont stop throbbing. But its me, it is all my fault. I'm one of those proud people who cant admit or accept blame..ever. I cant say things are my fault. I like to blame things on others..but I KNOW that I did HURT YOU. It was all ME always..all those years..it was me. You and I never talked about things that happened only because I hid my feelings from you. And I hate confrontation so I hide behind emails. We never talked face to face about the shit that happened...never. And I think that had something to do with it. If only there was actual communication and actual contact..actual truths about things..no matter how painful..we would have some kind of chance. But I couldn't be honest..or reveal my actual emotions. I couldn't. It was too hard for me.

I felt like I couldn't I didn't want to hurt or upset you anymore. I had done so many things to you in the past. And I felt like I had to make it up to you some way. I know it was my fault. I should have told you everything I felt face to face in person...but no..I was too scared. And not willing to admit I was a back stabbing bitch. It's what I am..I hurt right now..so badly...cuz I could tell you intimate things that threw my soul in turmoil..something I cant actually achieve with anyone but you. And I'm sure..you've done it many times with me. I've always loved and appreciated those long emails of ours..talking about everything..and then I do this to you.

I tried so hard to make it up..I hid everything..and that's wrong. Communication barriers fuck things up in real relationships. And I never told you things..about us..at all. I should have. We should have had long talks in the park..no matter what the outcome. I always assumed you'd kill me..only because I'm aware of what I've done. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle it..I shouldn't have tried to keep things, or try to make you happy by not saying what I felt inside. I guess I resented you for being the one that I hurt. For being the one who truly could only break me and show me a mirror and show me who I was. I was pissed cuz I knew you knew every weakness..I wanted to show you I wasn't pathetic or dependant on guys for happiness..and I was strong..and I shouldn't have tried to try to impress you. I fucked it up..I did. It was a friendship of gratitude. I did try, and I failed..always me, and I know it.

I hurt you thru the years over and over again. We always 'broke up' and got back together..I always asked for your friendship back after I ripped it apart. I got things so easily my way. It shouldn't have been. I should have stayed away from you...a long time. So it could hurt..and I could learn. I could realize all the bullshit was all my fault..I never gave it time to sink in...to absorb into my psychotic head. I thought things could be so fixed easily...but they're not. We have severe problems..trust, communication, honesty, privacy rules..loyalty all of it..

Yes, I know it was me..my fault, but we never talked. I know it was me...I don't want to lose you forever, just long enough so I can be punished..long enough. So we could at least be able to talk to each other in person..god knows. Maybe you're meant to be my soul mate..or not. Our friendship is one of those things so melodramatic and tragic. You cant help but to hope that a good time would come..a good end. Maybe there wont be. But I want to let everything out..and be able to talk to you.

I need time..and yes its selfish I tell you I need something. What do you need? I think we should still try, but a long time needs to pass. And we need to tell each other the truth..always. And talk and actually touch and see each other in person. Of course its up to you. It's your heart I've crushed too. You owe me nothing..you don't.

I owe you my breath..and blood. Without you I wouldn't be able to be what I am. The good strong parts in there..although hidden...they're deep. I fucked up. I loved you...but its like what people do to their loved ones all the time..to your mom..and dad...and lover. You fight and yell and kick and scream. Iit would have been better if we could kick and scream at each other..maybe

I wanted to tell you i was sorry, for all the shit. Every year. I corrupted our history and trashed always..for a lifetime. I'm sorry..no sorry or cry could take it back. Maybe we could start again after a long hiatus..again...and be new again. And no references to the past. No grudges or regrets, or no debts of gratitude..or farce..or impression..nothing. I want a friendship stripped of that. Who knows if we'll have it in the future.

I'm sorry I never knew how to treat people I truly loved. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. And I hurt myself too,.I'm not doing so well either..so let me know. It's up to you...

I'm sorry..you owe me nothing but harsh words. Because I deserve to hear them from you