So much for getting any work done.... I'm sitting in front of my computer, but no work is getting done. I can't get you off my mind. I can't believe the way I treated you on the telephone tonight. The way I've been lately, period. And I can't even open up enough to let you know the whole of how I feel, so I can't even imagine how confusing and frustrating I must be to you right now.

When we got involved, (or at least once it got serious) I promised myself I wouldn't pull petty head games this time, And I'm still not, really, but I'm not being completely honest with you. And that itself is part pride, part fear.... I want you to see that I'm still the independent and aloof person I was before I fell in love with you. That I'm still that person with an almost stoic control of my emotions. But I'm not. I need you more than anyone in my life. I could survive without you, but I don't want to. You've become such an irreplaceable force in my life. More importantly, you make me feel. And you've come close to showing me how to actually express these newfound feelings. But there still comes a point, when things feel strong enough, that I have to revert to my comfortable introverted tendencies. I suppose its pride, but I can't see myself verbally expressing things that are this hard for me without feeling like I've compromised some part of myself. Lost face, or allowed someone to see part of me only paper has ever seen before.

So now I'm scared. Things are changing, and its suddenly not going to be the easy, simple relationship it has been. And already its becoming all to clear. De ja vu' is already kicking in, and it makes me angry. I swore I'd never make such a horrible comparison. But in some ways its coming so close, and it scares the hell out of me. You see it a different way. You don't see that I'm afraid and scared, a little lost and deeply in need of your reassurance. You see what I show you, a mixture of exasperation and frustration, which is what I'm feeling, but only toward myself. Its not fair to you. I'm so scared of getting used to the hurt, and I dread the day that it just might cease to hurt. Because then where would we be? Strange thought, isn't it? Simply because we would have lost something. When we cease to miss each other,what'ss the point of being together?

But I'm sorry I wrote this. Aside from the fact that I'm just splashing emotion across the page with no regards to proper grammar and English (horribly arrogant, isn't it?) but it is a realization of my feelings. And I'm not sure I even wanted those feelings realized. And if you ever read this, it will all come together for you too. But not now... you have way too much going on for the next week or so, and I can't bring myself to add myself to your list of things to stress about. (me being arrogant yet again..) Even though I'm not quite sure if this is actually worse than the emotional stress I know I've put you through unwittingly. But its late, and I'm painfully aware of the fact that my sentences are making less and less sense. So I'm going to try to sleep, with a little weight now off my chest.

I love you--