This is what I want to say. It's what I want to say and more, because you hurt me so much I can't possibly express it in words. This is killing me.

You're moving to Toronto, and there's nothing I can do about it. You made me the happiest I've ever been. People noticed a change in me. They noticed that I wanted to go on. I wanted to live. Not just to be alive and breathing, but to live. I actually wanted to do something productive with my life. And as soon as you told me that you were leaving me, but that you still loved me, my heart tore out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces in front of me.

I love you. I'm crying as I write this. It just doesn't stop. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone in all my life. I never thought this emotion could possibly be achieved. It was like a state of euphoria. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. It was intense.

You are everything that is good, sweet, pure, innocent, honest and wonderful. When you hold me, we fit perfectly. And you're going to Toronto. It wouldn't be so bad if your parents were making you go, but this is of your own free will.

I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought I meant enough to you that you could stay for me. We could get a place together. We were going to get a place... but now you're leaving. And you asked me not to tell anyone you were going. That hurts the most.

Paul asked me what was wrong. John is continually worried about me. They say I'm pale. They say I look like I'm sick. They're right, you know. I'm sick, and I'm scared. I'm afraid to go on without you. You made me this way. And everything I'm writing doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

It's tearing me up inside, Jai. I curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep at night. I think about committing suicide. I think about it a lot. It hurts. When people ask me what's wrong, and I can't even talk about it? That kills me. I hate my friends seeing me this way. I hate the fact that you're doing it to them. It really hurts.

Jai, I used to believe. I used to believe in the stars and the galaxies and the possibility that anything could, in fact, happen. God, it just hurts so much! I have no more faith in anything. You were my inspiration, and you're gone. Forever. I no longer believe in the stars, or in the planets, or in love and fate and everything good and perfect and beautiful. I barely believe in myself. It gets less and less everyday.

There were so many things we were going to do. Now we can't. You hurt me, Jai. Jumping seems so easy now. So does lying in bed all day because I don't have the motivation to get up. Because you were my hope. Christ, I have to remind myself to breathe, for God's sake!

And yet you still tell me you love me. You love me, and you're leaving me. And you don't care. Maybe you care a bit, but not enough to stay. I love you, Jai. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even my mother or father. You're ripping my heart out. Take it. Take it to Toronto with you. Have a souvenir. Go ahead. You've already completely destroyed my life.

I don't know if I'll ever give this to you. What's the point? Will it keep you from going to Toronto? Probably not. I don't even know if it makes any sense... but I tried. I had to get my feelings out. When I try to explain it to you in real life, I cry what's left of my hear out, and you just sit there and watch me. You love me? You could at least hold me when I'm hurting. And I DO hurt, Jai, and it's your fault. And for some moronic, idiotic reason, I still love you. How's that for stupidity?

Love me forever,