Tonight, I learned if you had to do it all over again, you would.

If you had to traverse the peaks and valleys of our on-again, off-again relationship; if you had to experience the ups and downs and sex and lust; if you had to walk the walk and talk the talk that in the end left you so apparently learned and me so lost, you would.

I admit, it was somewhat masochistic to go to dinner with your current girlfriend. But remember, she was my friend before you met her. However, I'm no longer allowed even that. I was treated to an hour and a half of her fact-finding mission, because I was lucky enough to have written the book on you, and she's lucky enough to have me as a resource. Who better to talk to? None of her other girlfriends know you, you see, so I can relate.

I don't blame her for talking about you all night. I used to do it back when you and I were an item. I don't even blame her for asking things like whether or not you ever loved me, and for telling me things like that you should have stopped sleeping with me after you left me. I even agreed with that second part. And I don't really blame her for letting that tidbit slip, the part she figured would make it all better, the part about you not regretting our relationship and how you'd do it all over again, if you had to.

To this I say: fuck you very much.

No one in my life has hurt me the way you have. And the only real reason I forgave you, besides the fact that you were blissfully ignorant of how to be the boyfriend I wanted for close to two years, was because I helped bring it on myself. Yeah, sleeping with you after we broke up was stupid. But how to blame you? I mean, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? And finally, you came to the decision we wouldn't do that anymore, and stopped calling. And then you apologized, in your little way, months later by saying, "I probably should have done it differently."

We should have done the whole thing differently. Top to bottom, left to right, 1996 through 1998. But I never, never for one minute regretted loving you. Even though you didn't love me. Even though you took advantage of me.

Tonight, when your girlfriend, my friend, told me you'd do it all over again... well, of course you would. You got the best end of the deal: someone who loved you unconditionally, who was there for you when you needed her, and, when all was said and done and the dust cleared, and the shit was done coming down, still wanted your friendship.

Well, speaking as someone who got the shit end of the stick but tried to come out of it with nothing but her dignity, as someone who had to rebuild everything she had worked for her whole life because you tore it down with mere swift parting words, as someone who now has closure...

I suppose I'm also someone who's sorry it had to end this way. May your dignity never be stripped, your heart laid bare, your soul destroyed. You labeled our relationship "a learning experience."

It appears, my dear, you have not learned anything.