It's cold right now. Very cold. It reminds me of you. Like whenever I
go outside at lunchtime to do nothing whatsoever. And you go along,
even though it's below
freezing and you're wearing a T-shirt. And you give me this look.. As
if you want to hug me until every bone shatters and I die in your
arms. I will always remember that face with its penetrating blue eyes.
I don't know what you are to me. You know exactly where I stand in
your life, but I'm so unsure about you. I don't hate you, no matter
what you think. But I don't love you.. Even though you wish with all
your heart that I did. You're not a friend. I don't think you've ever
really been. I don't think I really know you, to tell you the truth.
You just popped into my life. You're better than a friend.. But worse
than an enemy.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see me. Just plain old me. A
semi-normal teenage girl. Nothing really special. And I'm sure the
majority of my friends think the same way. But you.. You see something
in me which I never dreamed possible. I don't
know why, but for you I'm like a flawless maiden. You love me so much
and you say you can't bear to live without me. At first, I didn't
believe any of that. I couldn't believe that anyone could care for me
so much. I don't want to be anyone's dream come true. I
never did. But everything you say is true. It's completely evident
whenever you look at me.. That look of desperate longing. It's
heartbreaking. You have no idea. I think you cause me as much grief as
I do to you.
I want to love you. Sometimes I think I do, but I know I don't. And I
don't know why. I don't know why I can't learn to care about someone
who thinks the world of me. I try to see everything good in
you..[trying to ignore the obsession and perversion].. But I can't.
And then, there is the story you wrote. The one where you end up
killing yourself because of me. Because I went out with someone else.
I'm not going out with
anyone now.. But if I did, you know what position you'd put me in. In
my practical moments, I think it's perfectly logical. If you can't
have the only thing in life that brings you happiness, what's the
point of living? But I can't help what I feel. God, you don't
know how much I actually care for you. I don't want you to die, but
you can't punish me for taking advantage of a good situation. You
can't do that to me. That can't happen.
Today, after school, when you were practicing with your "band", I sat
there watching you. Watching you play the part of the ominous drummer
boy, crashing the
symbols with solemnity. And I couldn't look away. Because I wanted to
hurt myself. To make myself even more guilty. And then you looked at
me and my whole world crashed. But all you saw was a small twitch in
the mouth as I looked away..
You apologize to me a lot. For being so obsessive, for making me
depressive, for basically ever knowing me. You haven't done everything
wrong. I have to apologize,
too. I'm sorry I'm killing you slowly like this. I'm sorry I couldn't
be the perfect girl. I'm sorry you had to fall in love with someone
like me. I'm sorry I can only be myself..
I'll end in the words of our beloved William Patrick Corgan : love is
suicide. Don't let your heart be dismembered like this, my dear.
Your Living Angel,
Lili
