I remember how it all began, so close to a year ago. You messaged me simply saying you wished you could give me a hug. Oh if only we'd known here things would go from there. We talked till the sun rose that morning, and for several mornings after, six or seven hours at a time, watching the sun rise an hour apart. Insomniacs were we, insomniacs with a dream - to heal the fresh wounds of past loves, to forget the abandonment we now freshly faced from others. We were so similar, it seemed almost fatalistic, the way we were thrown together in such similar circumstances.

I cared for you from that moment on. I can't remember a time I didn't care about you, didn't have feelings for you, didn't wish you weren't 18 hours away. I wanted to meet you, to see you face to face, and then, as fate so conveniently planned, I needed you to come with me on a trip, and you, in spite of being burned in the past, accepted my invitation.

And the conversations continued. We cried together, we laughed together. You'd offer me *tight hugs* when I was beside myself, and you would tell me how much you wished you were here to hold me and make things alright. Sometime in those months, I fell for you. I knew I cared for you more than a friend would, but I could not tell you. I decided to wait until that day in the airport, to see how you'd react to the monster you'd soothed from a thousand miles away.

That first day we met, face to face, you were so incredible-looking, even now I cannot put words to what I felt when I saw you. My eyes immediately averted to the floor, because, in a moment, I suddenly realized someone like you could never be attracted to someone like me. I was too low, and surely not worthy. So, I looked away, and I put on a defense. I would not let myself be hurt again, and I put up a shield at all cost.

Then one night, two thousand miles from our homes, you saved me from the lightening, and you saved me from myself. We shared so much in those few hours, telling each other what we'd dare not let our souls whisper to any other living creature. I clung to you, and I cared for you, and in those next few days, I fell in love with you.

From there, you know the rest, for I told you all I could. In the end, however, there had to be an ending. Nothing that good could last forever, and so it was not meant to be, something which you knew before I did. I guess I should have tried to forget the day I left you, but it was too hard, and my attachment to you was too strong, and letting go has been one of the most difficult ordeals of my life.

I don't know if you realize this, or if you'll ever realize this, but you saved my life in more ways than you can understand. You took what was left, the wreckage of a girl, and pieced her back together, slowly, painstakingly. I remember the nights when we'd talk on the phone, and it would feel so real, you would feel so close, that when I'd roll over in my bed, I'd be surprised to find you not there, but two thousand miles away. Even now, sometimes, I am surprised.

We were so alike, and yet so different, and I guess that was our downfall. Still, I want you to know three things. I loved you then, and I still love you now, though that may fade as time wears away at memories and life. I care so much about you, and I always will. You will always have a place in my heart - that is a promise which I do intend to keep. Second, I want you to know that I'm not angry. When things fall apart, when people part ways, it is hard not to leave hurt or angry, and I know I was both. People say mean and irrational things during break ups, and I did and said those things. But, I never hated you, and I never believed the things my irrational mind was thinking. I've always known who you are, and I've always known you'd never try to hurt me. You've been on this side of the break up, you've felt this way, and longed this way, and I remember seeing you through these feelings before. I remember how you wondered if she'd moved on, if you were still stuck in the past while she was in the present. And now, I am the one wondering if you've moved on, if you've found someone else. Unlike you, I have a means to know the information I seek, but like you once said, sometimes you really want to know, and sometimes you know it's better not to know.

I still long to talk to you, to have you hold me and protect me from the lightening at night. I miss our 5:00 AM chats and our bouts of insomnia together. Most of all, I miss you, and I'm jealous of whoever it is that wins your heart next. She is a very lucky girl, and I'll be envious for a very long time.

There will always be a place in my heart for you. Please know that. Someday, when these wounds have healed, I hope that we'll be friends again, talking at five in the morning over cups of coffee, doses of caffeine pills, and sunsets a world away. Those are the times I'll always remember, the times when we began this fateful trip together. Sometimes I wish I'd been able to give you more, after all that you gave me. I feel so special for all that you gave, and I hope that you'll never forget me, as I'll never forget you.

Love always and adieu,

Mary