Do I even exist to you?

You go about your little life, you accept my letters, my phone calls, my e-mails, my IMs, but you can't do the same for me. Am I just another no one to you? You constantly tell me about how much you care about me, and everytime you talk to me, you tell me you love me, but is that the truth? You tell me that. Because I don't know what to believe from you. Actions speak too, ya know.

You say you love talking to me. Do you love talking to me or do you love feeling empowered? Empowered because someone needs you as much as I do? Is it a power thing?

And I know that what I'm saying isn't true. I know you're not like that. I only say them because I don't know what else to think. Do you hold yourself away from me like this because you're scared of losing me? Well I'm scared too. Understand that I'm deathly afraid. But I can't keep living my life afraid of what might happen. Maybe that works for you, but it doesn't work for me. And you know so much about me. You know not to call me before 2 if I'm not in school or anything because chances are, I won't be up. You know about how random I am. You know what I want to do and how I want to do it. You know what I want for my kids. You know about my boyfriends and my insecurities and my likes and dislikes. How come I don't know half of that about you? I've known you too long not to.

But I feel so bad about it. I don't want to press you. I keep thinking, "he'll tell me when he's ready for me to know." But when is that? How long do I have to wait on you to trust me the way I trust you?

And granted, I connect to people easily. But after a few years of connecting with you, I would think you're ready to connect.

And I don't understand. I don't.

Everyone says we're destined to be together. That you and I are so perfect for each other. And I agree. We are. And like I said before. I can see myself in your life in one way or another, forever. So why do I feel so bad about this? And why do I keep talking like it's my fault? Because. Because I want to make everyone happy. I want everyone to find shelter in me. And I would work my fingers to the bone, bend over backwards, anything, anything at all for you. I would go out of my way for you. And you can't even write to me.

Do you ever even think about me? Do you ever go to school and see someone who might look a bit like me and think, "Wow. she looks like Joy"? Do you ever see something that I've said I liked and think of me? Or is that just me thinking about you? When you say you miss me, is that the truth or do you just say it because you feel obligated to do it?

Help me out here. Because I don't know what to give you anymore. You have my heart. You know my mind. What else do you want from me? Tell me. I'd give you anything.

Let me strip away your clothes time and time and time again. Let me watch you there, naked, and not say anything. Let me put my hands places no one's ever been. Let me make you want me to do it. Let me make you beg me to undress you. And let me never, ever say anything about it and sit silently while you bare it all, without me even taking off a shoe.

Now you know how I feel.

*~My