It's a good thing you'll never read this because all this will probably scare you. I've said most of it to you at some point, but I've never gone into this much detail.
Every time I look at you or hear your voice, the only thing that goes through my head is that I love you. I want to tell you that over and over again, but it can be painful to tell you such a thing when you don't feel the same way I do. But I feel so strongly about you that's all I want to do. I want to take you in my arms and hold you close and tell you that I love you and I'll always be there for you. I want so badly to make you happy.and it is more frustrating than anything else on this planet that I CAN'T.
Sometimes it almost seems like you're about as crazy about me as I am about you. Once you called me your little Erin.and as stupid as it is I loved hearing it. I'm definitely yours.I just wish you could be mine in return. I remember the time you said you loved me, too.and I refused to believe you, but you said, "Yes, Erin!".and there were other times, when I thought I heard you say you loved me, but I dismissed it as wishful thinking. There are a handful of times when it sounded to me like you said "I love you" just before you closed the door as I was leaving. I shrugged it off, figuring that it was really sad that I could even begin to think that you could possibly say that to me. Once I had written you a long, sappy letter and in it I said I loved you. Then one day I was leaving your house and right before you closed the door I could have sworn I heard you say, "I love you too!" and I said, "WHAT?" but you shut the door. And then later on I asked you what you said and you said you hoped it got busy at work, and I know I didn't hear you say that. And the reason why I didn't say it back is because I didn't think that's what you said, if you ever really did say it. I'd love to tell you to your face instead of in a stupid letter, but I'm so scared. If you ever say that to me again and I know what you're saying, I'll tell you a thousand times. I'd love to take you into my arms then and hold you so close.but I know that's not what you want.
I remember also saying to you at one point that you will always have a very special place in my heart. While that's true, that's not the whole story. You have my heart. You have it and it's very satisfied with its current owner.and I know that this is not the correct answer to the equation, but for now that's how it is. Someday I'll be able to move on, I certainly hope.even then I'll still love you, but it won't be as painful for me. I take comfort in the fact that you're so gracious. You put up with all of my shit and just give me a huge smile at the end of the day instead of hating me like a lot of other people do.because I'm annoying.and that, I'm afraid, also endears me to you. You're fucking spectacular. I'm still surprised you haven't told me to fuck off, yet. I don't ever want to hurt you. I want to protect you.and I'm so sorry for the times I have hurt you.Sometimes it seems like my thinking gets muddled and I do something to piss you off. If I'm thinking clearly I know to avoid doing dumb shit, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. I'm so sorry. Please remember that, the next time I do something stupid. You deserve the best and I want to give it to you. I just wish more than anything that you could let me. I wish you could love me the way I love you.but you can't. It hurts.
Everything about you is so beautiful.your eyes, your smile.and your laugh is so cute.you know, when I do something strange and you laugh kinda like you're having a hard time deciding whether you want to or not. I love weirding you out over dinner because you give me this enormous smile and you laugh. It's the only time I get to stare into your gorgeous eyes without feeling like a complete imbecile. I love it when we sit together and our bodies end up touching.even if it's just our feet or something (God, I'm pathetic).I just savor the moment, because I never get to touch you, and I can't say something because I know it'll make you uncomfortable and you'll move. I am so happy with you. I just wish you could know what it's like to feel what I feel when I'm with you, to see what I see when I look at you. I don't think you could ever know. I just want you in my arms. I want to keep you warm. If I could just hold you I'd die happy. If you give me a hug I'll shut up :)
I'm sorry I feel this way, because it's useless. You can't love me back. Not the way I love you, anyway. It must be scary, hearing all this from me. I'm so sorry, but you bring out so many emotions in me. I just wish it would all work out so we'd both be happy. Sometimes being just friends is wonderful, you're such a great guy.but sometimes it hurts more than anything in this world. And I don't mean to drag you down into my insanity.and if I ever do, I'm more sorry than I have ever been. I love you, Dave. And I'm sorry. And thank you for being such a beautiful friend.
Erin
