I'm certain you know why I'm writing this letter. Though I've
never discussed it with you, nor anyone else for that matter, I feel that
in order for me to let go of my misfit past and find someone real inside
of my bitter heart, I need to let you know how I feel, or at least let
myself know how I feel. Since I can no longer even face you, I'm
expressing my thoughts in a pen's bride letter.
We grew up together, lived in the same house since I was born.
You were the older sibling, but we got along fine. I adjusted to the
occasional beatings and tauntings, and respected you like any child
sister does. So when I woke up one morning only to meet you on top of
me, I was hurt. I was hurt badly. Not just physically, o my brother.
But in the head.. in my head. Now, if it'd just been once, though once
was hell for me, if it had just been once, I could have taught myself to
forget it ever happened, and learn to call you my brother once again.
But for how long did this torture continue? And in my own bed? While I
was sleeping! Convinced that I was in a peaceful place, surrounded by
the ones that loved me.. And you take advantage of my trust?
What was going through your head when you broke my virgin-ness so
many times? Your own sister? I was young, too young to understand.. So
I took to scrubbing my skin brutally every morning, convinced that I
could make it go away. You're lucky, you bastard, that I never told a
soul. Though even if I had, they wouldn't have listened.. They would
have stamped my hand "insane" and told me not to lie about my own family.
You're still lucky. You got the better end of the deal. You never paid
for taking my pureness, or every stitch of self esteem I ever had. Look
at you now, grown and happy. And me? Still stuck in those mornings
where i woke to you untying the string. I still swear I hear you come
in.. walk up to my bed.. I still feel it.
I blame you for the shell I hide in, and I blame you for my shyness, and
I blame you for my bitterness towards our parents. I could go on and
blame you for my inability to stay in a relationship as well, but I'm
feeling generous this fair day. So I'll keep on, continuing to blame
myself for that. And for never having the strength to stop you. I only
wish that you knew the horror you've caused my life.
Sincerely,
Ariana
