I have been trying to find a way to apologize to you. The fact that I
have no idea where to find you anymore doesn't make things easier. Your
parents sold your house, I heard they moved to Pennsylvania, but I don't
know where. My parents got divorced and sold their house. Life just went
on. Somehow along the way our paths in life just separated.
Back in high school, we had so much fun together. It was you and me
against everyone else in school that horrible school. Maybe we didn't
have much in the way of social lives, but we had each other. Staying up
late, watching 120 minutes. Listening to Jane's Addiction and Nine Inch
Nails records before they were cool. We fell in love, you with Perry
Farrel, me with Peter Murphy. Life was good. But then, without
warning, life got real.
For whatever reason, I slowly pushed you out of my life. Chad became
the cornerstone of my existence. I became obsessed with him, so I shoved
you aside. He and his friends didn't like you because you were smart,
had your own opinions and didn't take their shit. I wanted to fit in,
so I pretended to be stupid, I pretended to be the naive girl they
wanted me to be. I thought being friends with these "cool" people would
make me happy.
With all the "happiness" of my new life came drugs and the booze, and I
just didn't give a shit about you, me or anyone anymore. That last night
I saw you, I could see in your eyes, the way you looked at me, you had
lost all respect for me. I don't blame you. Showing up at your house
with that dirtbag Bryan. We had no where to go. My parents had kicked
me out; they were sick of my shit too. You took us in, and didn't ask
for anything. I never thanked you. No, instead I went off into your
room with Bryan while you slept on the couch.
That was the last time I spoke to you. I was so stupid for letting go of
our friendship. And for what? Some cheap nights with sleazy guys. Too
much weed and too much beer. How could I sell you out like that?
So now, six years, one AIDS test, and countless nights of regret later,
I am here to ask you for forgiveness. But you aren't around. I am too
late.
I know you are probably better off without a loser like me as a friend,
but I have grown up. I can see what an asshole I was. I miss you, and
I'm sorry. Maybe I'll never see or speak to you again, but I will
always remember what a good friend you were to me.
With Love,
your friend,
Kathy
