I was just idly looking at a wall in my room. No real purpose, nothing I was looking for. I was just looking.

But my eyes kept on stopping on the pictures of us. The ONE time I got you to smile for a picture (I'm pretty sure I was poking you), the natural smile on your face when you didn't know that Stacy was trying to get a picture of us. Graduation, when you stayed in the freezing cold and the rain for an hour to watch me graduate.

I haven't even taken your picture out of my wallet. It's still there, right in front, the first thing anybody sees when I open my wallet. The lady in a bead store complemented your good looks to me the other day, just from the picture. She said that you were a fine looking young man.

I told her that you are.

I hate this. I hate being this girl, the one that dwells on the past. This isn't like me - to moon over some guy. Even if "some guy" is the most most amazing person I've ever known in my life, you are still some guy. And I'm not getting over you. Not yet, anyway.

Then again, I guess I'm not required to, either. We never really broke up. We never really stayed together. When two people are going to school across the country from each other, but they really do love each other.. What else could we do?

But it's still not satisfactory for me. I'm still confused. So, I love you ... and I'm allowed to love you. There's no chasm that keeps me from you.

But you don't owe me anything, either. I won't date anyone. I can promise that - I don't want anybody but you. But I just keep on waiting for that phone call, that letter, that e-mail that says "Krista, I met this girl ..." or "I'm sorry, but you really need to back off ..." After all, you're allowed to. And that's the other thing that I hate - if you do, I can't hate you. I have no reason to.

I SAID that you could and I meant it. But I don't have to like it.

George, I just love you too much and I don't know how to protect myself. I know that you could reach out one hand, tap my head the right way, and I would shatter. You do have that power over me, and that frightens me. You can make or break my world ... and I don't like giving up that much control.

But I have. I don't know how to do this "casual sort-of dating" thing. I don't know whether I'm allowed to say the things I'm saying to you. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to keep on doing it.

Sometimes, there's not much in the world that feels true anymore. But this is as true as it gets - just remember that I love you. It scares me all the time, but I do love you. And I think that I probably always will ... Whether you will or not.

Love

Krista