I remember when were on the telephone playing a word association game (my sneaky idea). When I said "angel" and "love" you responded with my name; but he replied "annie" for "beautiful" and "eyes". You said that you loved me because I am a confidant that is attractive, fun, and energetic.

Thought I knew you. You do not care for anyone except for yourself. I had thought that you were the person I could grow with, and let go of fear. I'd allowed myself to be vulnerable because I trusted you. Love is about tolerating imperfection, but how can I freely give to such a flawed soul? No longer can I see the world through your eyes. You know what I feel, but your actions are not changing.

The person I was in love with is dead. Stranger. I'm wishing my dreams would stop featuring you and so I can just go on with my life without the jerk that you have become.

I'm a gaping mass of loneliness. I am so out of touch. You were my best friend, but you betrayed my love and my trust. I am a confused, insecure mess with conflicting feelings. I'd like to leave you completely, yet provide support.

What have I become? Today I couldn't shake suicide out of my mind ... the knives in the kitchen drawer were calling to me. Sigh.

Unfortunately, I've got a stronger will to live than I'd like. My life is very confusing at the moment. I just need some willpower to make it through.

Love,

Aileen