To sum up everything I want to say in this letter, I could probably just say "I hate myself" but that phrase is much too broad to understand other than the fact that I'm a poor little depressed kid with no self-esteem. I constantly try and tell myself that I'm a lot more than that, but it keeps coming back.. Laughing in my face. Like something is constantly telling me, "you're a failure."

I go through each day analyzing everything and asking the questions: how should I be, how should I act, what am I doing wrong, what is wrong with me, plus many countless other things that don't come to mind at the moment. I ask myself why I'm so speechless, why I can't just spit out what I want to say and get it over with. It seems so simple to me: to just act "normal", just do what everyone else does. That idea just seems so complex, the idea of having a mindset like everyone else and just knowing what to do scares me. It seems as if everyone follows a handbook on how to live life, and I've misplaced my handbook, or maybe never even had one to guide me through every little aspect. Am I strange because I'm confused almost daily? I hate the idea of a decision, and what the outcome will be. Every step I take is a decision, and usually a hard one to boot.

You all have touched me in many different ways, some ways I've wanted untouched, and some ways that I've never even thought about. You are part of me, whether you like it or not. Your actions and words have brought me to new levels, have made me a different person rather than I was years ago. I'm not sure if I like this person that I am because of you, but on the flipside I'm not exactly sure if I ever liked the person that I've ever been my entire life. I can think of ways that I'd like to be, but they seem so unattainable, so not me that I could never be like that. I envy all of you in various different ways. I want your guts, your passion, your "carefree attitude", your creativeness, your dream world, your motivation, your esteem, even your "fuck you" attitude towards anyone that doesn't like you. I want to feel superior rather than inferior. I want things that I can't have, I'm ignorant and fail to realize what I do have.

Perhaps I'm spoiled, a spoiled little girl that gets everything handed to her. We all know this isn't true, but in a way it is. I might be spoiled through materialism, but never through love, or emotions. I'd give everything up just to feel complete, just to smile because I feel as if I have a reason to get up in the morning. I've felt that way a handful of times, but it's never lasted for more than a week. That's just my fate I suppose.

Today two people told me it was strange that I smiled and said "hello" to them, they told me that I'm naturally grumpy and cranky. This really bothered me. These were two people I rarely ever say a word to. Another girl, earlier in the year thought I was "mean" as well, I had never even spoke to her. Is the look on my face really that obvious that I'm a miserable person? I realize that we have a slight tendency to be depressed once in a while.. but it never occurred to me that I had that much of a "readable" face. Why is it that no one ever asks me "what's wrong", or is it because something is always wrong and that's just my "look?" I'd open up, I've given the right opportunity. it seems as if no one cares about another person opening up, they just settle for less and let it pass by. Maybe next time you wish for a heartfelt conversation, ask for it.

My point of writing this is that I realize you can't fix my problems, and I can't fix yours. I'm so tired of having to just understand everyone's actions and them talking to me like I'm a wall. I have a life too, I think too, I matter too. I have feedback, but I never get it out right, or say it at the right time. Perhaps I'm screwed up, well not anymore.

F-I-D,

Leanne