As I tossed and turned in my bed in Room #728 at the Hyatt Regency Hotel,
I began to reflect on the activities of the day that had gone by.
When I entered the University of Louisville, I looked around. There
wasn't a single soul from our town visible. I uncomfortably and
self-consciously made my way to a vacant seat and asked the burly preppy guy
sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" He replied with, "Yes." For some
reason I was too mortified to move.
There I stood in the middle of the UofL multipurpose room, frozen
in paroxysms of rejection. I scanned the room for an open seat, and took
the nearest one without asking as to it's possible occupancy.
Making my way from on agonizing orientation workshop to the next, I felt
doomed to a life of solitude and social disaster. Suddenly out of the
corner of my eye, I saw a group of pseudo-freaks. They were all chatting
about GSP and such...
I thought to myself, "awww what the hell," and walked right into the
middle of their conversation and joined their flow by asking if they had met
Josh or Katherine or you at GSP. One girl had heard of Josh, but after
telling me this she kinda wandered off and the rest of her group followed
suit.
Except for one girl, she stayed back and asked what workshop I was going
to next. I told her I was going to go to "Cardinal Jeopardy" so she decided
to join me. While there, I met up with several of her friends and was
quickly accepted into a fully established clique.
Gone were the feelings of inadequacy and dependence on someone else. From
that point on, I have found myself full of confidence and free of the bonds
of shyness and being an elitist bastard.
Her name is Sarah. She is five-two. She has red hair. She looks about
95 pounds. She is like Louisville's nicer version of you.
But, as I was talking with her, even as I felt my confidence grow, I kept
feeling you in my mind, holding me from my ultimate freedom.
The more we spoke, the more comfortable I felt with myself... Apparently
she had just broken up with a long-term significant other too. So that gave
us something to identify to each other with.
Suddenly I looked at her. I saw her from a different angle. I felt like
I actually knew her. I realized that, of course, this wasn't true... but it
made me realize other things too...
I realized at that moment that I didn't need you anymore. I didn't need
you to share classes with me. I didn't need to go to your apartment. I
didn't need your love. I realized that even though I didn't want it this
way, you were a stage in my life. You taught me to love. I thank you for
that.
I realize now that I don't want you anymore. What I wanted back for so
long was the relationship we had and the seemingly unconditional love that
we felt for each other.
I know now that that chapter in our lives is over now, and even though
"alot" becomes one word when I describe how much I like you, we can't be
friends.
When I pled for you to get back together with me, I said that I didn't
want to date anyone else... that was because I wasn't ready for another
relationship yet, and I didn't want to drown out my pain in imagined love
and meaningless sex, like you did. I was asking you to save me from that
one final pain. I had to save myself, and here I am.
I stand alone.
But I'm finally okay with that.
You said that you were afraid to sleep with Kevin because it was probably
my breaking point... well... it wasn't my breaking point, it didn't signify
the end of my love or my lust for you... It was just the end of "you and me"
and I don't believe that you are capable of allowing us to ever have that
again, no matter how many times you assure me that we're, "meant to be."
I was content with you.
Please,
Jens
