So.There

I try so hard to hate you, to detest you, to remember every bad thing about you. At the end of the day however, I’m the one I should hate. I guess it’s easier to hate you than myself. I was your first love. You held me above all others-there was your only mistake. Your love for me really was blind; you couldn’t see how imperfect I actually am. You only saw me how you wanted to see me, as a selfless woman who’d give up anything and anyone to be with you. But that’s never who I was.

You were too much for me Brian, you had so much baggage. All that affected me big time. It was so hard to be your strong shoulder to lean on, especially when you had no clue how to be there for me when things got tough. I tried my best to help you but I’m not a professional, I was young and didn’t know how to handle such serious problems. Not to mention your mothers unjustified hatred of me. We were doomed from the start; just two messed up kids trying to make the impossible work.

Brian my love for you was real, I loved you as much as I could, given how messed up my dad and Patrick left me. We promised each other forever, but I knew it was only temporary. You loved me so much more then I was capable of loving you. Brian I’m so sorry, God I’m so fucking sorry. I wanted it to last forever; I tried so hard to make myself believe we could last forever. I should have ended it before I left. I should have been honest with you.

I never thought in a million years that I would find someone more perfect for me than you. But I did. I never meant for us to end the way we did. I lied to you, so many times. I just wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I met John and I knew he was the one. He was everything you weren’t. I’m so sorry Bri.

When we split up you turned into someone else. You stopped being the man I fell in love with. From what Kelsey and everyone else tells me you’re pretty much a different person now. I don’t blame you. If John ever did to me what I did to you I’d fall apart too. You made me your everything Brian. And when I left, you had nothing left. I told you not to think me imperfect. I warned you that you’d get hurt.

We agreed we could be amicable. We agreed when we ended this we’d never hate each other; never bash each other to our friends. I still love you. God only knows why. So it kills me that you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. I know I hurt you, I know I lied. I admitted that I fucked up big time. But so did you. For every John there was a Kayla and for every Travis there was a Jess.

Since we’re both to blame here, why couldn’t you just let it go? Why couldn’t we just have a clean break? What the hell ever happened to being respectful, what happened to our friendly goodbyes? You’re with Kayla now-good for you. I’m clearly not the woman you’re supposed to be with, so maybe she is.

But what I don’t understand is why you feel the need to pretend what we had wasn’t real. It was real Brian, while it lasted it was real and you know it. I still think of you sometimes. I try to hate you, it’s better than hurting over how we treat each other now. I know you’ll never read this. I hope you end up happy B. I hope someday we can talk about all this. I’m sorry Brian.